What If? The Afterlife of Severus Snape
by Escoger
Summary: Everyone wants to reach their happy ending, in this life or the next. After everything he has endured, Severus finally gets the second chance he wanted, the chance to undo one mistake, but which? With the help of a mysterious spirit with her own agenda, he has the chance to see worlds that could have been his own, but will that be enough to save him from his worst enemy: himself?
1. Chapter 1

**What If? The Afterlife of Severus Snape.**

**Chapter One**

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.**

_Everything burned, fire consuming me from the inside out until -_

I awoke from a strange nightmare to aching shoulders, fire hot against my cheek and the acrid stench of... pickled toad guts?

My eyes snapped open. I was still bleary-eyed and the object before me almost filled my entire field of vision, but even if I was half-blind, I wouldn't fail to recognize a pewter cauldron when I saw one, nor the stone floor of the Hogwarts Potions Classroom.

Apparently, my normal roving the castle as the war entered its final stages had resulted in me passing out before I got back to the Headmaster's Office. I would have to remember to allow myself a little more sleep. Blinking to clear the muck from my eyes, I gathered my robes together and got to my feet.

There was only one cauldron in front of me, but a thick silvery-blue liquid simmered inside. It didn't so much as bubble and was so smooth I could see the ceiling reflected off its surface.

I frowned. That coloration with the pickled toad guts together… 'Draught of Morbid Emotions? No, that would be bubbling by now. Perhaps it could be... no, he wouldn't." My blood boiled. 'That fat _idiot_.'

I wordlessly summoned Asphodel and Wolfsbane, knowing I had only ten minutes at maximum before the dungeons would be filled with toxic gas. 'Really, what incompetent moron leaves something like _that _just sitting unattended?'

The ingredients hadn't come yet, so I cast the charm again with twice the power. Surely even Slughorn would keep all the basics handy, especially if brewing -

"It isn't Chloriferous Concoction."

My head snapped up. That was not the gregarious babble of Horace Slughorn. It was soft and had a feminine lilt to it, yet there was confidence, someone who _thought _they knew what they were doing, the most dangerous sort of dunderhead.

I peered warily at the brew and cursed. A known potion was one thing but an experimental one could be even more dangerous. As soon as I fixed this disaster-in-the making, she would get at least a month of detentions. Hell, maybe I could make the Carrows happy for a change - even _Longbottom_ wasn't this stupid. "Then what are the ingredients of this idiocy you have created? Tell me before you get everyone in the castle killed!"

Rather than react with fear, worry or even defiance though, the woman laughed, a light sound that was like a musical rhyme half-remembered. "It is not an experiment, just a potion with ingredients that would not be available to you in the world of the living."

'The world of-' I turned to face her.

She had dark skin, like some sort of wood, with short hair of similar color and an upturned nose, all underneath black robes little different from those of the Hogwarts students, I noticed these features absentmindedly, because they were normal, mundane. It was her eyes that drew my attention and revulsion. Lily's eyes had been unusual, a shade of green like that of an emerald which, incredibly rare to see, but they were still normal eyes otherwise.

These were silver eyes, but not in the sense of the iris being silver. It was as if someone had scooped out her eyes and replaced them with two eyeball-shaped pieces of silver, each gleaming with low light. _Not human_.

A chill went through me, the room cold in spite of the fire's warm blaze. I drew my wand on her. "Who are… _What _are you?"

She sat on Slughorn's desk, looking almost normal with her legs crossed daintily and hanging over the edge. Her eyes flickered to my wand for but a moment before dismissing it with a tilt of the head, as if it were no more than a thin stick. "I am here to help," she said, "and as for who I am… my name is Lavis, and you might consider me someone with a duty to fulfill."

I took a step back and to the side, putting the cauldron between us but not getting so close that she could spill its contents upon me. As I did, I weighed the possibilities. She was claiming to be from the world of the dead... She could be lying. There were a great many magical creatures in the world but... none of which looked like that. That didn't mean it couldn't be a trick though. Perhaps it was a charm, but it would take a true mistress of the art to make the eye fit perfect and gleam in such a manner and why would they bother anyway? No. Another monstrosity created by Voldemort? Pettigrew had received a fully-functional silver arm… a set of eyes wasn't out of the question.

I decided to gamble, deliberately hardening my voice and using the silky-smooth tones that I knew only made me seem more dangerous. "The Dark Lord has absolute trust in me, Lavis, so why have you come into _my_ castle?"

Rather than arguing though, she merely sat atop the desk. "How about, rather than I trying to persuade you, you open the classroom door? You'll understand your situation better when you see what has become of Hogwarts. Don't worry," she folded her hands in her lap and I got an impression of minor amusement in spite of her stoic demeanor, "I'll wait right here."

She worried me, a claim that only a few in my life could make. She might seem to mean no harm, but I was well aware of how easily cruelty and malice could be hidden behind a kind face. Yet her suggestion didn't seem to be too dangerous and at least if the door was open, I could retreat if need be. Not letting her out of my sight, I opened the door and let it swing wide.

It was the castle dungeons but nothing like I'd ever seen them before. What looked like it might have been the entire contents of the Forbidden Forest had made its way inside of Hogwarts. Twisting branches dug through the walls like vines, moss and leaves carpeting the floor and dribbling from the ceiling was a blue liquid that glistened with tiny flecks of silver.

But even that seemed small in importance in comparison to the bones. The skeletons of the dead littered the floor, the staircases, even impaled upon the walls.

My knees buckled. How? Everything I had worked to protect in an endless struggle. It was all gone, only a ruined graveyard remaining.

"What... what happened?" I croaked, trying desperately to make sense of this nightmare Hogwarts had become. Had the Dark Lord attacked? Dumbledore had been certain he would, but even Voldemort seemed to have some attachment to the castle. He would never let it lay in such a state. "Who did this?"

"This isn't the Hogwarts you recognize," Lavis said, calmly sitting right where she'd said she'd be. "This isn't even Hogwarts at all, not truly. It is a reflection of many things, but most of all, it is a reflection of you."

"A reflection of me..." I aimed my wand straight between her breasts. "No more games, woman! Tell me what is going on or I will _make_ you talk."

She peered at me and her eyebrows knitted together. "Would you truly do such a thing?"

Would I? If it were to protect the people of Hogwarts or to save Lily's legacy... "I have done worse."

"Ahh," she nodded in acceptance, but for a moment sadness flickered across her cherubic face. "Severus Snape, this isn't a real place. It exists, but it is not part of the world of the living. You see, the final battle took place last night. Voldemort is now dead, once and for all."

I heard Lavis' words but they washed over me like the tide, dragging me along in their wake. 'Voldemort… defeated?' It seemed hardly possible, a fantasy that had come to life. I had been working toward this day for so long, my entire life growing up in the shadow of the Dark Lord. Even during the calm between the two wars, I had been preparing for his return. Now… it was all over. I felt wetness trickling down my cheeks and wiped it away to find tears.

To hear it was over… In truth, I had given up on this day ever coming, my continued struggle one of duty and atonement rather than hoped for success.

To actually reach this point, I hadn't been ready for it but it was a good unready, a moment of such unexpected joy and relief that it threatened to overwhelm me. What would come next? What would I do? I had spent my whole life fighting. Now, I could _live_.

Except I couldn't. '_The world of the living_', those were the words she said at the beginning.

Flashes of emerald eyes and venom burning my body from the inside out called from my memory, and I knew the truth. It hadn't just been the cauldron's flames that had me feeling as if I were ablaze. I closed my eyes but held my wand steady. "I did not make it, did I?"

"No, I'm afraid you did not," she said. Her voice was soft as if she were concerned of what I might do or say.

She needn't have worried. There was no anger in me at her words, no fury. Deep down... no, it wasn't that I had never planned for what would come after Voldemort was defeated. It was that I always knew in my heart that I wouldn't live to see that day. I waged a long, bitter war from the shadows in Lily's name, to protect her legacy and now I had won retribution for her. My life was complete, just in time for it to end.

I looked at the woman. "Did I die well?"

"Yes, you died bravely, very bravely."

Her words lit a speck of warmth within me. Only a few times had I been called brave. Usually, it was something along the lines of 'That Great Sniveling Coward.' I glared instead though. Even my reactions so far had been too revealing. "Hmmph, _bravely_, but did I succeed?"

She tilted her head in confusion. "You died fighting for what's right, never giving Voldemort the secrets he so desperately needed even at the cost of your own life, and guiding Harry to do what was needed. Surely that is more important than whether you succeeded, isn't it?"

I glared at her ridiculous naivety. There had been far too many times where I did something close to the right thing, only to have it blow up in my face. After so many near-successes turned to crushing failures... "Dying bravely but pointlessly is just that, _pointless_."

She shook her head and closed those silver orbs with a sigh. It made her look almost human. "For what it is worth, you did succeed. You gave Harry the memories needed to figure out what he needed to do to defeat Voldemort. Then he saved everyone who was still alive."

That freed me of my fears for the world of the living... but that was just that, the world of the _living_. I was dead now, my body left to rot away like the bones that surrounded us. What would happen to me now? It had been years since I had needed to ask someone for help, but I swallowed my pride and said, "So what happens now?"

She peered at me and the expression on her face gave the feeling of someone who knew me all too well, that they knew my secrets without me even telling them - I resolved not to reveal them all the same. Spending years working with Dumbledore made it clear how that sort of 'knowing' was as much illusion as reality.

Finally, with a wave of the hand, the door shut gently and she said, "You are here, for, as some might say, the next great adventure…" her expression darkened, "or rather, you should be. Unfortunately, although your heroic actions allow you to merit what comes beyond... your past prevents you from doing so."

I digested that. So my mistakes had followed me even here. Part of me wanted to rage at her - hadn't I done enough? - but then I remembered Godric's Hollow and the bodies within, only one child surviving, all because my craving for acceptance and power, and my lust for something that was never mine had blinded me of the consequences until it was too late. No, some stains would never wash out. "So what happens now? Am I to be a ghost, I suppose?"

"No. Instead, we want to give you a chance. Your salvation does not lie in misery or a tormented future, but rather in fixing the mistakes of the past. You have the chance to make one change in your life, only one, and live it based as if you had made that choice originally."

A second chance… I had spent years wishing, regretting, damning myself for the foolish mistakes I had made, the failures that only compounded with the years. What if? What if? _What if?_ It had almost driven me mad sometimes, and to hear this being's words now, promising what I had dreamed of for so long… I narrowed my eyes. 'Unless it was another trick…' I hardened my heart. "And what change are you referring to? What would you have me do?"

"That is not for me to decide." She inclined her head. "You pick that single change, be it however small or large and live the rest of your life based on the results."

"You say live. How could I live while only making one change? If you know even the slightest bit of my past, you know there are many things I wish I could do differently."

"Because you won't remember any of this... Let me explain more clearly." She pointed at the Potions Classroom's chalkboard, closed her eyes and with an elegant wave of her hand, a dark red line began tracing its way straight across the board. "This line represents you, and how your life went from start to finish if no changes were made from your original life." She waved her hand again. and halfway through the first line, a second line diverged from it, continuing on its own path, this one pale green. The difference was shallow at first but eventually, the two lines ended up in completely different parts of the chalkboard. "If you changed one thing and one thing only, over time, that could result in a vast change. Once you decide the change you want to make, you will be brought into that world and forget everything that happened in your old life. The change will happen and you will live your life until you reach its end."

The offer was amazing, incredible even… _too _amazing. "And just where do you fit in all of this?" She might look close to human but that did not mean she was, nor that her goals were to my benefit.

"I am here to observe. I have no stake in this, so I will aid you and help you reach the goal you desire. You only get one chance, so I am here to help you make the right decision." She said this smoothly but a little faster than before.

She was lying, or at least not telling the full truth, of that I was certain. "So I get to make one change, and the life I lived changes based on it," I said slowly, and she nodded. "But that leaves one question, just what help could you be? I can consider how I would want to handle my 'woeful past' all by myself. I have no need for your aid." I sneered deliberately. mockingly and the way her jaw tightened made it clear that even to this strange being, it did not go unnoticed.

Still, she maintained her cool demeanor, saying, "I can show you alternate worlds, worlds where you did just one thing differently, worlds where you made the choices you wished you had made. That way, you can see what will truly happen if you choose a possibility, see the results and then find the best one."

I narrowed my eyes at her, but it was a distraction to unsettle her as I considered her proposal. She might have some treachery in mind but the idea was tempting and I was curious. I tested her. "If I say yes, can I change my mind later?"

"Should you wish to make that decision yourself, you certainly can, Mr. Snape, but if you will allow me to aid you, I will help you make the right choice, not just falling prey to impulse." She tilted her head. "You know the dangers of that, yes?"

My blood boiled at the reference, however oblique, to the many, many poor decisions I had made in the past. I ground my teeth together but managed to keep my temper, if only just. "And what if I just decide to skip this, to throw you out and go on to my reward. How would I do so?"

She froze where she sat, her eyebrows knitting together. Finally, she said in the same soft tones. "If you truly wish me to leave, there is little I can do to stop you. Simply announce aloud that you are ready to make your decision, state the change you wish and it will be done."

I looked at her, not at her eyes, but at the way her upper body drew inward, her jaw was set and her arms were wrapped around herself. She might play at being unaffected but this was something of importance to her. Why? I didn't know, not yet.

I considered simply saying no. I had faced enough lies and manipulations, trickery and deceit to last me an entire lifetime, yet I stayed my hand. Perhaps it was that very familiarity and sense of normality in a very strange world, perhaps it was loneliness after a year where the only person who really knew me was a portrait or perhaps I simply wanted to get her help. It might have been all of the above, I couldn't say.

What I did say was, "I accept your bargain."

Her body visibly relaxed and, for the first time since she'd started speaking, she smiled. Her full, pink lips gave it an almost sensuous cast. "Very well, then dip your wand into the cauldron and I will show you a world that might have been."

I hesitated but did as she was told, and as the wooden tip broke the potion's surface, everything _changed_.

**Author's Note: Hey all. I've been doing a lot of writing of late and, while the vast majority is indeed original fiction, I have still made the time to try to do some new FanFiction.**

**This story has been kicking in my mind for years, but I couldn't quite come up with a good concept for it until now. **

**I'm sure some of you recognize the similarities to my previous fanfic 'What If? The Purgatory Of Lily'. While it does have a similar concept, rest assured that the plot will be a rather different one.**

_For those who want to help, while I have come up with some of the possible worlds and choices that Severus will see, I am certainly open to suggestions in the reviews. _

_The rule is simple: tell me ONE single choice in his past that you want SEVERUS to have done differently._

_As an example, in the next chapter, Severus' counterpart chose not to inform Voldemort of the prophecy, and thus, the world changed._

**P.S. While this is indeed a new story, it's not coming at the expense of finishing Letters From The Dark. I'm at roughly 4k words rough drafted for the next chapter there, and it's going to be quite the powerful one if I say so myself.**

**P.P.S. I think I could use some cover pictures for my work. Any ideas where to obtain good ones?**


	2. Chapter 2 (World 1, Part 1)

**What If? The Afterlife of Severus Snape.**

**Chapter Two (World One, Part One)**

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.**

The castle rumbled and the Potions classroom walls seemed to beat with their own heart.

The potion shimmered and the silver-blue liquid rushed up, wrapping around my wand as tight as a fist. A foreign consciousness pressed against me. I used my Legilimency, and it pressed against my mental shields, but not like the furious assault of the Dark Lord nor Albus Dumbledore's subtle sneaking.

Instead, the potion acted like a big buffoon, throwing its arms around me and asking to see my secrets.

I sneered. I was one of the greatest practitioners of Occlumency and no amateur mental assault could hope to break down my walls. I pulled back, and while at first it held my wand as in a grip of steel, it reluctantly, with the mental equivalent of a low, disappointed grumble, it let me go.

Yanking my wand from the cauldron, I rounded on Lavis. "What was that? That was no potion!"

"It is, but the potion will only work if allowed. Your Occlumency is too powerful... Mr. Snape, you need to let it in."

"What?"

She pointed at the bubbling mass. "Trust it, Mr. Snape. It means you no harm. It just needs to see your past to let you guide it, and it can only do that if you let it in."

This was ridiculous! She expected me to let a pool of goo into my mind. Fury throbbed in my forehead. But while this could be a trick, deception or manipulation, if I didn't give in, this was a waste of time. Grinding my teeth together, I pressed my wand tip to the potion's surface once more. The potion rushed in again, but this time I closed my eyes and let my mental walls down.

It pushed through in an instant, pouring into every corner of my consciousness and beyond. Not just my conscious thought though, even thoughts long-forgotten flashed through my mind. The potion took them all. Each memory it touched grew sharper and more vivid, as though viewed it in a Pensieve.

Images paraded in an endless swirl in both the cauldron's depths and my mind. Clear and bright, but so fast that I couldn't keep up. Yet there were differences. I had never seen some of these memories: the Potter brat crying over my broken body, Peter admitting he was the spy, James clapping me on the shoulder as I rolled my eyes. Then there was me sharing a dance with a mysterious dark-haired woman, me naked beneath sweat-soaked sheets with a blonde woman I only vaguely recalled.

Most of all, though, there was Lily. Lily looked at me with pride, us side by side as we fought an army of cloaked figures, her begging me for something, her sneering down at me, a bolt of green light hurtling from her outstretched wand, her screaming "It should have been you instead!"... her begging me not to die. _What in Merlin's name?_ I could only stare at the myriad images in wonder.

"Are these... fantasies?"

"No, worlds," Lavis whispered. She stood beside me, both in reality and inside the cauldron's light. "Worlds differed from your own from one change, a choice that may have seemed meaningless but changed a future beyond recognition, from worlds where you were not just a hero, but _the_ hero, worlds where you found love, friendship..." her voice hardened. "Worlds where you became a villain of such malice and cruelty that even the Dark Lord feared you."

"All from one choice..." I considered, before raising an eyebrow at her, "and I suppose that you intend to show me how it works..."

I trailed off as she waved her hand and the swirling cavalcade of images slowed down, still spinning, but slow enough that I could see each one.

One glowed a pale white, and she beckoned it closer. Hogsmeade during a rain-soaked evening appeared before me.

The potion flowed from the cauldron, no longer a simple silver. Instead, it seeped across the walls with reds and browns, grays and blues, all swirling and mixing until it painted the Potions classroom over. It was like entering a Pensieve, yet different in a manner I couldn't put my finger on just yet.

"You may leave whenever you wish," Lavis said, her voice a whisper in my ear. "Do not be afraid. Listen."

I fixed her with a glare but did as requested… then my breath caught from the thoughts teasing against my mind, their voice so similar yet so different from my own.

* * *

A more poetic man might have said that it was a dark and stormy night, describing the iron gray sky or the way the passersby in Hogsmeade flitted from one shop to another, some using repelling charms, others umbrellas, and a few just rushing to outrun the rain.

For Severus Snape, the only passing attention he paid to the world around him was limited to the way the mud sloshed in his boots and the rain soaked his robes, matting down his hair. Despite it all, his grin was wide.

Some passing folks gave him strange looks as he chuckled to himself, but he didn't care.

He had thought this attempt to spy on Dumbledore was a waste of time; while the headmaster accepted him for an interview, the entire thing was perfunctory, a farce. Before the meeting began, it had been clear Severus was unlikely to get the job offer, but when that Trelawny woman had spoken in that strange voice, curiosity had gotten the better of him, and this time of all times, it had paid off.

_'The One with the power to defeat the Dark Lord…'_ or however it went. He took a deep, steadying breath, unable to suppress his glee. This was his break, giving him the opportunity to prove himself he so desperately needed.

* * *

I could barely watch as my past self looked forward to revealing the prophecy to Voldemort, a smile on his face. If I knew then what atrocities it would cause… I would have jumped in front of a basilisk rather than reveal its secrets. I hadn't known Lily was pregnant - if anything, I'd imagined she would wait until she was at least into her twenties before choosing to bear some of Potter's spawn. Still, it was no excuse.

Yet, as I watched, the images on the wall split in two, showing two different paths: one where I apparated to Voldemort right away, willing to condemn a child to death in search of the glory and acknowledgement I so craved... and another, where my counterpart slowed down.

* * *

**It was simple in truth, just return to the Dark Lord, tell him the prophecy snippet he overheard and he would receive everything he deserved. The child would die, but he wouldn't be responsible, not really.** There was no reason not to - it wasn't like he owed this brat anything and it wasn't like it even existed yet. It was just some clump of flesh in its mum's womb.

And after everything he'd faced in his life, didn't he deserve this one break?

_Come on, Snape. Hard decisions need to be made in war. People die, and if you return with nothing of significance, it could be you._ He shook his head to clear it, but the motion brought his gaze to an elderly couple pushing along a baby carriage through the mud, their granddaughter from the looks of it.

The rain spilled past their wide umbrella, soaking the two elders, but they each smiled despite their tiredness. The grandfather squeezed his wife's shoulder, whispering something that made her laugh. It was enough to remind him of dreams he'd given up on long ago.

_Don't be a sap. Remember where those bloody feelings got you: hurt, weak and alone. Do this. Tell the Dark Lord. Get what you deserve._

He prepared to apparate, but took one last look at the couple, where the grandfather played 'peekaboo' with his grandchild, much to her squealing delight. Looking at this tiny girl, little different from the child subject to the prophecy, he made his decision.

The Dark Lord was disappointed that night, but infiltrating Hogwarts as a professor was a longshot from the beginning. After a round of Cruciatus, he assigned Severus another task, a lesser one well within his talents. It wasn't just the Dark Arts that Severus was skilled in.

* * *

The wall rippled, colors bleeding and swirling together before reforming anew.

Time had passed, but not much. My counterpart looked more ragged and tired, his robes threadbare, but the hardness in his eyes remained.

I blinked as I recognized where he was: The Department of Magical Law Enforcement holding cells.

* * *

The room was a compact thing, 10 feet by 8, with a small table, no windows and a foul odor that in the magical world made sense only to torment the prisoner within. They were looking for a confession, figuring their prisoner was some low-level peon in a street crime… which he had become, and it was all his fault.

_Was it worth it?_ The question was like a thin metal blade digging into his side. _Was your bleeding heart worth it? You were on the brink of everything you wanted but failed because you couldn't finish the deal. All you needed to do was tell the Dark Lord a bloody prophecy._

His sole solace was that at least the debacle today wouldn't hurt him any further. There wasn't enough for them to hang him on and gutter trash hocking a few illegal potions as a first offense didn't merit the time to process it. Under the worst circumstances, it wouldn't be worth more than a year of imprisonment. With one of the Dark Lord's best solicitors? He'd never see Azkaban. As much as the lack of respect might sting, his poor reputation looked to be doing him a favor this time.

His solicitor had just left after a reminder not to reveal anything incriminating when the door opened. Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, entered the room.

"Why hello there," the headmaster said, as warm as if he had greeted Severus on the streets of Diagon Alley rather than here, in the ministry's holding cells. His periwinkle blue robes were a ridiculous contrast against the gray stone walls. "It has been quite some time since our last meeting."

_Which was swearing me to secrecy to protect the damn wolf._ "Headmaster," he replied stiffly. Despite his dislike of the man, he couldn't risk angering him, not when the ministry was about to let him go.

Dumbledore looked him over, taking in the half-day beard and the robes that hadn't been new when he got them two years ago. His twinkling smile faded, leaving only a look of sad understanding. He took a seat across from him. "It looks like you've gotten rather down on your luck, haven't you, Mr. Snape?"

Severus kept his anger from his face and shrugged, but his hands gripped the table. It was always the damn pity.

* * *

"It seems like Headmaster Dumbledore is trying to befriend your counterpart in this world," Lavis said. Despite her calmness, I could detect an interest in her voice.

I glanced at her but stayed silent. Dumbledore was a smart, kind old man, yes… but so much more than the doddering grandfather figure he pretended he was. There were wheels within wheels of his plans and machinations.

He might offer to help the wretched man before him, but experience told me there was more to it. There was another reason for this conversation.

* * *

"I apologize for not accepting your application," Dumbledore said as he settled into his seat, his bright colors out of place amidst all the dreary gray. "You were an excellent candidate and, if it wasn't for Old Frederick coming in at the last minute, I would have likely given you the position."

Severus frowned. "And why did you think I would be a suitable candidate?"

"There are few who have as much passion for the subject as you do, I already could tell that from your Defense Against the Dark Arts NEWTs." Dumbledore smiled, an amused twinkle in his eyes. "I still remember them… I don't think I have ever seen someone bring extra parchment to include a longer answer."

"Oh?"

"As an academic, it is wonderful to see a hard-working student. However… there have been rumors of your being connected with, shall we say, a darker power." Despite his words, he offered Severus a kind smile. "I had hoped that perhaps those rumors were wrong."

_Of course you did, not that you ever helped._ Rather than verbalize his anger though, he kept his cool. "People can always surprise you." _And it would be quite the surprise to have you suffer as I have suffered… wait a moment._

He felt something, subtle to the point it was almost invisible, as Dumbledore locked eyes with him. It was a whisper that many would have missed. To him, however, it was clear as being caught in a thunderstorm: Legilimency.

He had underestimated Dumbledore. Not only was he trying to trip him up with words, but using those very words to focus Severus' thoughts upon what he wanted to know. Clever... but pointless.

Severus had to suppress a smile. Dumbledore knew his work well but as great a wizard as he might be, he was no match for Severus in this field - blocking him would be simplicity itself - as great a wizard as the headmaster of Hogwarts might be, compared to the might of the Dark Lord, he was but an amateur.

"And you, Severus," Dumbledore whispered, "where does your loyalty lie?" As he spoke, his spell slipped through Severus' mind, trying to follow the threads that led to the day of their interview.

There was no resistance as the questing tendrils slipped ever deeper into his mind. It would have been simple to block Dumbledore's search… but this was not just about preventing access to his mind; it was about what secrets the man could discover. Slamming shut the gates to his mind would tell him that Severus knew he was there and was blocking him, a suspicious act in itself.

Instead, he just slipped any incriminating memories away from Dumbledore's mental invasion. It wasn't even too hard, as from an outside person's perspective, they would see him listening in, getting thrown out of the Hog's Head… and walking through the streets of Hogsmeade before going home for the night.

Severus watched as Dumbledore played the same moment back several times, but from what the headmaster had seen, there would be nothing to reveal his allegiances.

All the while, Severus continued the conversation aloud, discussing the terrible troubles that the magical world was going through, and how it was such a struggle that he'd had little choice but to try a few shady deals to earn some galleons - he'd already admitted to it, so why bother changing his story?

"Fascinating," Dumbledore said almost to himself at the end of it all. "The world outside Hogwarts can be a cold one sometimes, but there are always opportunities for improving your life. Sometimes, to get back on your feet, you just need someone to help."

He bristled at that. "And sometimes, you can get by fine on your own."

There was a pregnant pause, then Dumbledore sighed. "Perhaps you are right. I apologize, Severus, but I must be going now. Millicent wants to speak with me about a few minor matters."

Severus glared at the man's back. Pity and Charity… like there was something wrong with him that needed fixing. Nothing was wrong with him. He was fine as he was. The Dark Lord would see his potential, the Death Eaters would fear and admire him. He didn't need Dumbledore's fucking pity.

_One day, you will die. Maybe I'll be there, watching you take your last breaths. Will you still pity me then?_

Dumbledore paused at the door. "Have you considered a career in Potions, perhaps? Not an illegitimate one, but one that you can be proud of?"

"Humph. As if anyone would want to hire someone with a criminal record."

"An excellent point, my good man. But one cannot predict when opportunity strikes." Dumbledore smiled, shutting the door behind him. "Redemption is always possible."

Severus could only glare at the table

* * *

Two weeks later, a letter arrived from Dumbledore, asking if he would be available to interview for a different field: Potions.

Severus stared transfixed at the letter sitting upon the grotty kitchen table, then smiled. This would work admirably.

* * *

I grimaced. Albus Dumbledore was a cunning and manipulative man, yes, but he also had a soft spot which I had seen many a time when he was dealing with the Potter brat. The kind old man bit wasn't just an act.

Sometimes, though, it turned out poorly.

I could only hope this wouldn't be one of those times.

A familiar office appeared, _my_ office.

* * *

Severus massaged his forehead at the fifth essay's logic, as the writer tortured three different theorems into bleeding messes on the floor in a vain attempt to justify their use of chamomile in a Dreamless Sleep potion.

A Troll for certain. Would that he had one handy to club the brat into blessed silence - somehow, they had found the time to write an extra half a roll of parchment in their attempts to show what the neanderthal might consider eloquence. The only effect of this, however, was that Severus had to face a well-written pile of garbage rather than a poorly written one.

Massaging his forehead, he gave his mind a break and leaned back in the chair.

The Dark Lord was pleased with his infiltration, at least. Now, if successful, Severus might regain everything he had lost with that fit of foolishness.

Knowing its importance, he had prepared with great thoroughness for the mission ahead of him. In two weeks, he considered a host of ways to communicate magically with the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters - the idea of Albus Dumbledore just not noticing each time he vanished to the Dark Lord's side was too outlandish to be worth considering.

After careful consideration, he settled for a pair of linked journals and gave the extra copy to Lucius Malfoy, who promised to monitor it (which meant a house-elf would monitor it, but it was the thought that counted).

Regarding the subject of Potions, though… it was strange. While growing up, Potions had been one of his passions, and he spent more nights than he could remember working past midnight to piece together the perfect method for brewing a potion. Yet everything about the subject now seemed to be pure drudgery.

Perhaps it was because he had grown while the potions used in Hogwarts had not. Explaining how to brew a basic Dreamless Sleep was downright boring when he grasped at the level of the greatest minds in the wizarding world - the Dark Lord considered him his finest potioneer, yet now he had to deal with this?

Still, he had the opportunity he so desperately sought, and by Merlin's balls, he would not waste it.

* * *

I watched, transfixed. To see my counterpart so eager to do the Dark Lord's bidding... dragging the world to ruin with a smile. I was the same once, wasn't I? He reflected my past. Without the Dark Lord targeting Lily, I would have placidly watched as innocents died.

Lavis cocked her head. "You seem troubled. Dare I ask why?"

I narrowed my eyes. "And how is that your business?"

"I am here to help, no? Part of making the right choice is understanding the mistakes you have made."

I said nothing. After spending a lifetime regretting my actions, I knew the mistakes I had made all too well. Rather than discuss further, I returned my attention to my counterpart, who had yet to learn that lesson.

* * *

Severus shook his head, glancing at the battered pewter cauldron in the corner. Inside, a newfound creation brewed: 'Wolfsbane'. It was a recent invention, but well within his capabilities. As it bubbled merrily along, his gaze traced the lines in the metal cauldron, countless scratches from how he'd worked it. He debated replacing it once again, a question that he kept revisiting each time another paycheck hit his Gringott's account. It was familiar, and he'd used it since the first Potions class of Hogwarts, but the hardness of constant use had taken its toll.

_Still, it makes little sense to replace it before it stops functioning,_ he argued to himself. _Gold and silver might allow for grander creations, but it is a waste of galleons until I brew them._

He gave it a few more stirs before returning to the (endless and aggravating) essays. At least his infiltration of Hogwarts was going well enough. As Lucius pointed out, while a vast personality change would be suspicious, being - in the older Slytherin's words - 'a cantankerous asshole', would be a quick path to nobody wanting to talk to him. If he was going to complete his mission, he needed Dumbledore and his inner circle to trust him.

Unfortunately, he'd learned nothing worth bringing to the Dark Lord yet. He was fresh blood, with many remembering him as a moody and quarrelsome student; even those who wanted to help a new teacher preferred aiding Professor Toadpipe, a chatterbox who inflicted his worries upon everyone who would listen, and facing the so-called 'curse' on the DADA position besides.

As such… A thunderous banging on his office door scattered his thoughts.

"Professor... professor!" Came a loud and gregarious voice that niggled at his memories.

It wasn't until Severus was staring up at Hagrid that he remembered that blasted half-giant Lily had befriended first year.

"Professor! Want to go for a cuppa at - wai' a minute," he squinted down at Severus, "You're not Horace."

Based on his ruddy cheeks, he suspected that Hagrid had gotten started on his 'cuppa' already. A vein throbbed in his head, but he reined in his temper just enough to remain civil. He still needed to be polite."I am afraid that Professor Slughorn retired this year. I am the new Potions Master."

"Should've remembered that. Dumbledore told you he'd hired that bloke." Hagrid muttered to himself quietly - quiet for a giant, anyway - which meant Severus heard him just fine. His expression cleared a little, although the redness of his cheeks was there to stay, "Well, want to come for a Cuppa then, Professor Splape?"

Severus' lip curled.

* * *

The world slowed down, taking on grayish tones, while silvery letters traced themselves in elegant cursive, floating in the air..

**Go With Hagrid**

**Rebuff Him**

I stared at it before fixing my companion with a glare. "Mind explaining?"

"The potion seems to want you to decide whether to go with Hagri -"

"Are you an idiot? Of course it does, but why? Why ask me regarding Hagrid of all people? Why not during my interactions with Dumbledore? Or any point since I reached Hogwarts? Why is it asking now?"

She looked past me, her brow furrowed as she considered. "The entire purpose of the potion is to allow you choose different alternatives and see the outcome… but not all choices are ones you might have made. Even if they were, perhaps none of them would have altered your path."

_Yet Hagrid of everyone can alter that path? And I thought the potion permitted me only one decision. Now there's another?_ There was more to this than she told me. For now though, I had to decide. Eyeing her, she didn't seem to care much regarding which choice I made. "How do I make my selection?"

She tilted her head. "The potion is intelligent; it knows your mind. Think of your decision and it will happen."

A vein throbbed in my forehead, but I ignored it as best as I could. Had this incident occurred in my lifetime, I would have declined. Going drinking with Hagrid was not how I would have spent my evening. However, the point of this entire exercise was to discover how things would turn out if I made a few changes. Perhaps the better choice was the choice I wouldn't have made.

I hesitated, but made my decision… and the world moved.

* * *

**"Professor Snape," Severus corrected, "And as to your question -" He paused, the wheels turning in his head. Hagrid was kind-hearted, but he was a simpleton and a friend of Dumbledor**e. Plus, he was the groundskeeper. He observed the comings and goings of the teachers, so he might know of their secrets. It was a long shot, but… "Why not?"

Yes, get him deep into his cup, learn all his secrets and...

"And she just leaves me?" Severus moaned into his best new best friends' ear an hour later. "I thought we were best friends forever, but then some pure-blooded, rich guy comes and it's back to Manchester for old Snapey."

Hagrid patted him on the shoulder, nearly dislocating it. "Don't worry, Sev'rus. It'll get better with time."

He doubted that, but at least he had an amazing friend here with him, an amazing friend with a keg of vodka.

Hagrid smiled down at him. "Oh, it's hard for us guys like us. You give 'em your heart but then they look at you like you're not even fit to lick the dirt off her shoes." The half-giant sighed. "It's why you can't just live for love alone."

"Don't I know it," Severus grumbled, taking another drink from his mug. It wasn't firewhiskey, but vodka was good for a Muggle drink. Had a right kick to it. "I just wanted to make something of myself, but she abandoned me for that bastard."

"Still, plenty more fish in the sea. Just because one woman don't like you, that don't mean there are no women that could, right?" The half-giant leaned closer. "And between you and me, plenty of girls searching for something to take away that loneliness, just like us menfolk."

"I ain't lonely. Just..." he started sobbing, "not lonely."

"Everyone's lonely sometimes..." Hagrid patted him more on the back. "Now come on, let's show the ladies of Hogsmeade just what it is they're missing."

* * *

I massaged my forehead as they started, of all things, singing. Taking romantic advice from Hagrid, really?

As my counterpart and Hagrid made their way across Hogsmeade, bellowing bawdy songs at the top of their lungs and drunk out of their minds, I felt every bit of embarrassment they couldn't feel.

At least Lavis remained calm - Wait a moment. I peered closer, taking in her wide eyes and how still she was. No, I corrected myself, not that she was unaffected. She was just too stunned to react.

_Congratulations, my other self, you made an otherworldly being feel embarrassed to watch you. Was I ever THAT dunderheaded?_ I paused. To be fair, joining an Anti-Muggle hate group to impress my Muggleborn crush was stupider than that, but this was a close second.

Rather than answering my questions, the image flickered again, showing the corridors of Hogwarts once more, although rather more dilapidated.

* * *

The only noise was a low dripping. Out of the thirty students surrounding him, not one dared speak nor move. In the space of two minutes left alone, the ancient stone corridor had been covered with slime and mold.

The two perpetrators - Miss. Jenkins and Mr. Alberts, a pair of Ravenclaws and supposedly involved in romance - had been arguing over, of all things, the relative speed of their favored broomsticks. One thing led to another until a strange combination of hexes unleashed utter devastation.

"Would someone here," Severus kept his voice low, forcing himself not to explode at their inane foolishness, "like to explain what happened?"

They looked at each other, perhaps weighing their years of closeness… and threw one another under the proverbial bus.

"It was her fault -"

"He was trying -"

"... saw the whole -"

"... didn't even try to -"

This continued on, each talking over the other until they were shouting. The cacophony threatened to make his migraine even worse until his frayed temper snapped. "Enough! Two night's detention for both of you, and fifty points from Ravenclaw. Your personal problems are your own, but keep the rest of the school out of them."

"Yes sir," they chorused, knowing better than to contest his punishment. They rushed off and started bickering again as soon as they turned the corner.

Severus sighed but his frustrations continued as he ran into the next student he ran into looked on the verge of tears with his big dumb eyes. It was all he could do to mutter an insincere apology and keep from screaming. He hated this, hated them. Still, his cover required he was, ugh, approachable. That was going splendidly, as every little Slytherin tried to butter him up while the other houses believed he was fine with them 'experimenting' in class. God, he hated them.

It was necessary, however. It had been four months, and he was no closer to gaining Dumbledore's favor than when he'd started. Oh, the headmaster was polite enough, but showed no signs of inviting him into the Order of the Phoenix.

The staff room was a sanctuary, at least. Throwing open the door, he stormed across before collapsing in his chair. It took an effort not to lean back in it like a teenager, and he imagined the sigh he let out didn't do any better at avoiding the imagery of adolescence.

Neither Sprout, Flitwick nor McGonagall took notice of his annoyance, however. They huddled in a corner, muttering to one another.

"How terrible..."

"Were there any -"

"No, no survivors."

It was when Professor Flitwick blew his nose, tears leaking from his face, that Severus paused his grumbling. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Did something happen?"

"Didn't you hear? Oh..." McGonagall's eyes widened. "I apologize. I forgot you don't get the Daily Prophet."

Because that rag was a mix of propaganda and baseless gossip, interrupted by a few Anti-Voldemort screeds so people might take it seriously. "No, I didn't… What happened?"

"Do you remember the Matthews?"

A name he vaguely remembered. A Ravenclaw girl from his year with an off-putting demeanor, a significant amount of beauty, and a rather sultry reputation. "Somewhat."

"Well, Death Eaters attacked her family last night."

He digested that. War meant fighting, and fighting meant death. Unfortunate, but perhaps necessary. The Dark Lord wished to build a greater world, but sometimes that came with sacrifices. He was not stupid enough to state that amidst Voldemort's enemies, though. "That is terrible," he mumbled. "Do we at least know why they attacked."

Professor Sprout shook her head. "Nobody knows, but they were all found dead, the Dark Mark over her home."

"She had a son," Flitwick said, "just a few months old, a tiny Cherub until the curses hit. Here…" He offered a wrinkled copy of the Daily Prophet.

Taking it, Severus skimmed through the article. It contained the usual banalities: condemnations of 'such cruel acts', condolences to the families of the deceased and promises of retribution. At the beginning was a picture of the slain family.

They were uncomfortable in front of the camera, really. The man was chubby and didn't seem to know how close he should stand to his own wife; the woman was attractive enough, although there was a tightness in her jaw and her long blonde hair was lank and lifeless, while the child in the middle… they were exaggerating when they called him a cherub. He had the chubby cheeks typical of baby-kind and a pouting face. He looked like a brat.

But did he deserve to die?

He swallowed, setting the paper down. War meant death and sometimes sacrifices needed to be made… but what had the child done to deserve death?

_No, that's the thinking that cost me everything. My greatest regret happened because I listened to that foolish heart of mine. __If I want to be powerful, respected… feared, then I need to be ready to make tough choices. And sometimes, _he hardened his heart,_ people die._

* * *

"So, because of not telling Voldemort the prophecy, you infiltrated Hogwarts for him… interesting."

I narrowed my eyes at Lavis, but she gave me a curious look, those pools of silver eerily reflecting the surrounding light. She'd almost appear like a normal human if not for those unearthly eyes giving the lie to that. After a long silence, she folded her hands together in her lap and smiled, turning back to the potion-crafted tale.

"What does it matter to you?" I growled. "He is just a possibility that never happened."

"Not a possibility. He existed no different from you. This is not a fantasy, but his life's story."

"Of course it is…"

Her lips thinned.

* * *

Severus nursed his beer as Hagrid chattered on about some creatures he'd found in the Forbidden Forest. To his own surprise, he didn't mind it so much.

Hagrid and him were both firm believers in Dark Creatures not being so bad, albeit Severus believed it because he knew that the Dark Arts weren't so bad and Hagrid believed it because he suffered from the delusion that every monster was cuddly and friendly, if deep down. The friendship was odd, but worked well. It was rather nice having a friend he didn't have to worry about trying to use or betray him.

Still… there were limitations. "I understand your interest in creating these 'Skrewts', but you are aware creating an experimental creature is dangerous, yes?"

"Well..." Hagrid took a tiny sip - meaning that he consumed half a pint in a swig. "I know that... that I might not be err... that skilled at wizardry," he said with flushed cheeks. He'd mentioned something a while back about how he'd never been able to finish Hogwarts, although he kept the details to himself, "but that doesn't mean I can't have a friend's help, right?"

"You want me to help you breed them?" Severus drawled.

"Well, yeah."

Helping Hagrid wouldn't be all that great for his plan. While the half-giant was loyal to the headmaster and friendly besides, helping him breed dangerous magical creatures could not be good for his reputation. Still, at Hagrid's friendly smile, Severus sighed. "I will think it over. Didn't you say one of your drinking buddies was coming?" He said, changing the subject.

"Yeh, they'll be here, I think."

He debated asking who they were, but shrugged it off. What did he care about some old geezer who was friends with the aged half-giant - Severus wasn't foolish and knew that for his rather youthful appearance, Hagrid had been keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts for at least a couple decades at this point; in all likelihood, the half-giant would remain when his kids attended the school. Well, if he had any kids.

He shook his head, staring into his cup.

"Cheer up," Hagrid said, clapping him on the shoulder "There's plenty of fish in the th' sea, ain't there?"

Severus rubbed his shoulder automatically. With how Hagrid misjudged his strength when intoxicated, it was a mercy he wasn't an angry drunk, unlike some people.

"I'm sure there are. It's just..." He shook his head. Those stories weren't ones he was ready to share with the man. Not yet. Maybe never.

"Tell you what. Maybe me buddy will know some women who could help yeh." He peered up and his smile widened. "Ooh, there she is now."

Severus raised an eyebrow as he turned. Somehow, he doubted -

Emerald eyes were the first thing he saw, ones that for years he'd only seen in dreams. Long red tresses followed, along with a pointed, almost elfin chin and a set of full and pouty lips. His heart thundered out her name with every beat: Lily Evans.

He froze, not daring to make even the slightest move. Would she realize he was there if he didn't move?

From the way her expression caught halfway between a wide, friendly smile and bulging eyes and she grabbed ahold of the bar to support herself, Lily had expected this no more than him.

'A drinking buddy', was what Hagrid said. Severus had expected some a swarthy old warlock, a hag or maybe even a teacher. Of all the people...

Lily befriended Hagrid back in the first year, his still-frozen mind reminded himself dully. But to think they were drinking buddies…

"Err, sorry for not introducing the two of you," Hagrid said, peeking at each with a furrowed brow, "but seems like you know each other."

Severus could only stare.

* * *

I was no better than my counterpart.

Where it had been years since he'd seen Lily, for me, it had been over two decades. No matter how I struggled to keep my memories alive, they grew stale and cold as the years passed, until what I remembered was like the stained glass in the local church: images that represented the past and her, but lifeless no matter the talent of the artist. Even with a Pensieve, she repeated the same movements and actions no matter what he said or did.

There could be no apologies or forgiveness with a memory.

This Lily was just like I remembered, but this was no mere memory. She was real, from the light dusting of freckles on her face to the upturned nose. Except she had matured in bearing and form, her breasts fuller and her hips just a little wider than memory recalled.

I drank in the sight of her like a man given the nectar of the gods .

She wasn't the semi-mythical 'Lily Potter' even if she bore that name now. She was a youthful woman, alive and vibrant… and staring dumbstruck at someone who she probably considered a ghost.

* * *

What was she doing here?

Severus didn't dare move a single inch from where he sat. Even though it was ridiculous having a drink paused halfway to his lips, whatever spell was upon Lily, whatever left her too stunned to turn around and walk away, he didn't want to break it.

In the end, it was Lily who broke it herself. Clearing her throat, she turned to Hagrid. "Y-yes," she said, her voice a stutter, "we know each other from Hogwarts. It was… He..." she trailed off, furrowing her brow. "He was my Potions partner," she finished lamely. "For five years, we were potions partners."

Hagrid gave her a dubious look. As Severus had grown to realize, Hagrid might be thick in stature and a jolly and trusting chap, but he wasn't an idiot. "Alright then..." he peered from one to the other.

Lily's face paled and her eyes flickered to Severus, the message of 'oh God, help me please' obvious to him.

And damn it, he couldn't leave her out to dry. "We ended it after the fifth year," Severus forced out. "It was my fault, really."

"Oh..." Hagrid looked from one to the other again, "seems like a long story to tell…" He trailed off, but the look he gave each of them was all too meaningful: 'if it's too awkward for the two of you, we can end it.'

Over my dead body. For perhaps the first moment since he had locked eyes with Lily, rational thought returned to Severus and wheels turned in his mind. This was the first chance he spoke with her since graduation. Nothing in the world would ruin that for him.

"It was rough at first," he forced a smile. "but it's been what? Four years now? We are adults. I can handle it if Lily can."

Her eyes narrowed at being put on the spot and he could almost hear her teeth grinding together, but one of the (graciously few) things she shared with her older sister was not wanting to make a scene when she could avoid it. He was banking on that instinct to prevent her from calling his bluff and storming out right there.

His heart pounded in his chest as she gave him a dirty look promising retribution, but she mumbled acquiescence and took a seat that was both beside Hagrid and as far from him as possible.

She ordered her drink - beer, he noticed, not wine or other fancy drinks - and they settled down to their flagons. Nobody said much, the awkwardness of the situation settling down on them like a thick cloak.

All right, now what? He had gotten what he wanted. For the next couple hours, he'd trapped Lily with him and Hagrid. What should he do?

He wanted to talk, maybe bring up the carefree times of the past and maybe end the rift between them, but that rift had had four years to build and deepen. Where once there were moments he could look at her and know just what she was thinking with a flicker of her eyes, now there was a blank wall, and all he could think of was the mind-numbing chorus of _'It's Lily. She's here. It's Lily. She's here.'_

Ironically, it was Lily who rescued him this time, "So... Severus," she said, emerald eyes glinting over her flagon, "what have you been up to since we graduated?"

From anyone else, it would have been an innocuous question, but he knew what she was asking, what she was seeking to uncover: evidence of his guilt. However, he had prepared his cover story with care, polished it, and tested it with his fellow teachers.

"It has been hard," he said, noting as she drew closer, watching him for the slightest sign of deceit. "I had little going for me when I left Hogwarts. Exam results only take you so far, and I wanted more than to be some peon in the Ministry, so I started dealing in Potions…"

He spun a tale of how he had tried to make something of himself after leaving Hogwarts, but couldn't make ends meet. As he refused to live off the charity of others, he dealt in Potions on the Black Market, sinking further and further until Dumbledore found him in a ministry cell and offered him a position as a Potions Master at Hogwarts.

The ironic part was it was all true, just with a few details removed, such like the minor factor of him joining Voldemort and becoming a Death Eater.

Lily's eyes fixed upon him the whole time, so spellbound by his tale that she didn't even notice that her second pint had arrived, the mug sitting untouched at her side.

When he finished, she furrowed her brow, and turned to listen to something Hagrid was saying. Her gaze flickered in his direction every so often, but she said nothing.

He held back a smirk. Lily always got enthralled when he told her a story. She told him once that he had a fantastic story-telling voice, and now it helped convince her to believe his lies.

* * *

My counterpart was right. Lily had always liked to have him tell her stories. Before Hogwarts, I must have told her dozens of stories about the various magical creatures, or some of the spells we would be learning. Each time, she would listen in a near-trance. Even in our fourth year, she'd still eagerly listened when I told her about the Potions-experimenting I did the night before.

Now that he mentioned it, I remembered… but why had I needed the reminder? I frowned, before my gaze fell upon my counterpart, and I sighed at him, or rather what he was looking at.

Oh, he was rather subtle about it, but I'd spent a decade and a half dealing with immature brats - I knew when a juvenile was ogling a girl's breasts.

* * *

Severus observed Lily out of the corner of her eyes. She had changed since Hogwarts. She was at least a few inches taller and there was an unmistakable confidence in her bearing and she had grown mature in many ways. His gaze fell on her chest, which mental math said had gained at least a cup size. Many, many ways...

She was glancing his way again, so he returned his gaze to his flagon, hoping that his chagrin wasn't visible on his cheeks. Just in case, he improvised a distraction. "So what have you done since graduation?"

"Well..." Lily pursed her lips. "Not much, I suppose. James and I got married and had a son."

The words were off-handed, but they hit him like the proverbial load of bricks. A son? Married? Potter? His eyes flickered toward her hand, at the graceful gold ring topped by an - in his opinion- overlarge ruby. The thoughts of how she looked, how she had grown, all of it faded into a dim static.

She married Potter... Truthfully, despite everything, even after their friendship had ended, he entertained a few fantasies: him coming upon her in a fancy restaurant, a ball, a busy street, or something of that nature. Regardless of the details though, the continuation never changed.

They would talk, they would admit to missing each other, they would realize their mistakes and reconcile and maybe, just maybe, she would… but no, she was married. She had a damn kid. His fantasy was over, gone before it could begin. Because after all their years of friendship, she had married Potter. Yes, he'd known that they were dating, but that always seemed a paltry thing - surely, Lily of all people would know better than to take a relationship with that bastard seriously, let alone marry him.

What did she expect from him now? A fucking Congratulations? 'Gee whillikers, Lily, I'm so glad that you found out your soul mate was the asshole who'd made my life hell!' He eyed her. No, he corrected himself, she wasn't stupid. She was watching him, her expression guarded as she braced herself for whatever his reaction would be.

Well, he wouldn't disappoint. As Hagrid stepped away to use the loo, he leaned over and said, channeling his best Lucius impression, "I am certain that there must be some appeal to getting knocked up and married before you turn 20, but for the life of me, I just can't see it."

Her lips thinned into a line, yet her words were surprisingly soft, "He's a better man than you knew. He's grown up a lot these past few years.".

"Rather like a wild boar, I imagine, except that one is a wild beast that spends half its time covered in mud, farts everywhere and turns beautiful things into squalor… and the other is a four-legged animal."

He'd expected her… well, her shouting at him, storming out and hexing him were all possibilities he'd considered, but while she narrowed her eyes, he didn't expect her to have to bite her lip to keep from smiling.

Finally, Lily gave up the fight with a chuckle. "All right, there is some accuracy to that statement, but that is neither here nor there."

"As you married him, I think it is quite 'here and now'."

She looked away, taking a long sip from her drink before sighing. "Look, if you can't stand that I married him, I can leave." At his raised eyebrow, she explained, "I know you despise him and I can't blame you for that. He did a lot of things in the past that neither of us are proud of, but I don't think a screaming match in the middle of the Hog's Head will help anything. So if it's too much, I'll duck out for the night, make my excuses and let you and Hagrid have a good evening."

He glared at her, but behind it, his mind whirred. On the one hand, she fucking married Potter. On the other… he'd dreamed of reconciling with her ever since that day outside Gryffindor Tower. Marrying Potter was a bitter, bitter pill, and his vein throbbed with fury in his head, but was he willing to say goodbye and watch her walk out of his life again? No, he realized, not even for Potter.

"It's cold outside anyway," he muttered. "Might as well stay for a while."

The way she raised an eyebrow made it clear that she knew very well his reasoning was bullshit - she was the best in class at Charms and they both knew it - but her nod said she understood what he was trying to say.

"So, how did you end up roped into being Hagrid's drinking buddy?"

For a long moment, she was silent. "One day I visited him at his hut. It was seventh year, and I was in an awful place. I couldn't keep from crying, no matter what he did, so he offered some firewhiskey to help me drown my sorrows. It helped." She smiled. "Sometimes, you need help to get through the rough times, right?"

"Maybe…" he said, thinking of Hagrid's cheerful friendliness.

The man in question returned soon enough, and they settled back to their drinks. The conversation, but as much as he tried to hide it, he found it hard to focus as his heart crumbled in his chest.

Instead, he drank to numb the pain, not noticing when one flagon became three, and three became far too many…

**Author's Note: Welcome to part one of the first timeline. I was originally going to post it as one chapter, but then I tallied up the total word count and... honestly, 20,000+ words is a _little _much for a chapter.**

**Some ideas I've seen have been very interesting. However, they may not go exactly the way they are requested. For example, several people have requested that Severus reveal Lupin's secret after the werewolf incident rather than choosing to keep it secret, but each have different hoped-for outcomes.**

**Sorry it took so long to post this, btw. I was trying to finish Letters From the Dark (which after 10 years is finally done!) and get my book published on Amazon. Both took a _lot _of time and attention.**


	3. Chapter 2 (World 1, Part 2)

**What If? The Afterlife of Severus Snape.**

**Chapter Three (World One, Part Two)**

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.**

The world around Severus was full of muffled words and soft snuffles. His head throbbed with every one of them and the low buzzing that seemed to be everywhere.

He felt about himself. Wool blankets, a too-large pillow and something soft and lumpy beneath him. He cracked one eye open for just a moment, before the light of a fireplace made him clench them shut from the agony that drove into his forehead like a spike. But the massive dog slumbering in the corner made his location all too clear: Hagrid's hut.

It hurt to think, so he just focused on taking one breath after the next, trying his best to ignore that blasted throbbing. Were those trumpets against his ears? _No_, he realized, _voices_.

"... You think he'll be alright?" Lily... well, he thought she was whispering, although her normally bright voice grated like nails on the proverbial chalkboard right then.

"He'll be fine," Hagrid replied, the rumble of his voice like thunder booming against his ears.

If only they'd brought him to his quarters. He had a vial of _hangover halte_r ready and waiting to go the moment he came through the door - a necessity after a night out with a man who could out-drink him by a factor of five at least.

He was about to growl at them to stop making such a racket or take him to his office, preferably both, when he realized they'd changed the subject to something a little more interesting.

"So, Severus is a teacher," Lily said. "Can't say I ever expected that. He's smart and he would be good at it, but he always hated kids."

"Eh, don't know if he likes 'em. Tolerates 'em more from what I heard."

Lily chuckled, a soothing sound even for his hungover head. "So Dumbledore invited him?"

"Sure did, a right kind man, Dumbledore." There was a brief pause. "Sev'rus seems to be a bit rough around the edges, but he's a good friend and Dumbledore trusts him."

"Mmm…"

_Dumbledore, trust me?_ Severus wasn't sure if that said more for his acting skills or Hagrid's naivety. Dumbledore might not know what he was, but he wasn't so foolish as to trust him so easily. Not yet, anyway. Perhaps with time… maybe Hagrid would be able to help… There was a pang in his chest at trying to manipulate the man who just called him a friend. _It may be the only way to succeed, _he argued to himself. _Hagrid is kind, but there are things I must do. _

He suppressed a sigh. He had been so close before, but because with his conscience holding him back, he'd let his dreams slip away. Wait a moment. He listened closer.

"So, you're helping the Jenkins family," Hagrid said.

"You-Know-Who is still after them," Lily said, "and we're going to hide them as long as we can."

"Even though Agatha...?"

"Even though she used to be a Death Eater," Lily said firmly. "She's turned her back on them and is trying to help. The least we can do is protect her."

Severus' attention was absolute. The Jenkins family wasn't anything special, a pureblood line that had all but died out last generation, and this generation had resorted to marrying the child of a Squib just to be able to carry on the name. As impoverished as they were, they would have attracted no more notice than Severus himself... if Agatha hadn't joined the Death Eaters, then left.

It was one thing to not join the Dark Lord, but to join and then abandon his cause was unthinkable. The Dark Lord promised much, but demanded absolute loyalty in return. Now every Death Eater in Britain was hunting her down. If he could provide evidence to locate her...

Hagrid cleared his throat. "Well, if they need somewhere to stay, me hut's always open to help Dumbledore."

"And I'm sure he appreciates it but James offered up his family's Summer home. They'll be moving in tomorrow. It's a little place in Godric's Hollow. Not much of a magical community there, so with the proper spellwork, it might be a long time before they have to move." She chuckled. "They've got a little boy, you know, not much older than Harry."

She continued, but while Severus listened for further details, his heart thudded in his chest at what they had already revealed.

This was it. This was the chance he had been waiting for. Finding Amber Jenkins and providing Voldemort with her location? This wasn't some nebulous prophecy. If he showed this to the Dark Lord, his favor would be immense. Power, prestige and more would all be his.

And really, who would suspect the man who had been drunk in Hagrid's bed? There were a thousand ways the Dark Lord might have found him. He just had to wait for dawn, send a secret message to Lucius and everything he dreamed of would be his…

Just one family was all it would take, and really, who gave a damn about some gutter trash anyway? She was no innocent - she had already joined the Dark Lord once anyway! - and now he had the opportunity he had been waiting for. He had lost Lily, but everything else he wanted was within reach. He just had to reach out and take it.

The door handle jiggled and Lily peaked inside the room.

* * *

I closed my eyes, unable to continue watching as my counterpart smiled and gloated to himself.

"He could still change his mind," Lavis said, but the tiredness in her voice showed even she didn't believe her words.

"Why would he?" I said, my voice a growl. "He's been shown the opportunity to get everything he wants, and there's no Lily to stop him. Why wouldn't he kill that family?"

She drew up her knees to her chest, not saying anything, then she frowned.

I turned. The image of the world had frozen, going grey once again. Instead, two options appeared before me.

**Pretend to sleep.**

**Pretend to wake up.**

I stared at it. A choice. The last choice I made had been seemingly minimal in importance, but it caused my counterpart to encounter Lily, then discover this.

This choice must have a similar importance. Given the situation… it might cause my counterpart to cause that family's death or save it. The question was how… If the choice mattered, then there must be some advantage to doing one choice over the other. The question was what…

I tapped my finger upon the desk I sat at, carefully considering.

My counterpart was eager to make up for his previous 'failure', but, in spite of what I had told Lavis, he sounded like he was endeavoring to persuade himself. Perhaps giving him more time would fan the flames of his doubts.

Yet the choice wasn't as simple as that, I suspected. Maybe my counterpart waking up would give Lily the chance to remind him of who it was he was betraying - it had been Lily who made the difference in my world, after all - and it always was a lot easier to betray someone whose face I couldn't see.

"You have to make a choice," Lavis said softly.

"Be silent! I am thinking," I said, not bothering to look at her.

_No,_ I finally decided, _a mere glance at Lily would not be enough. If it were, I would have given up the Death Eaters long before I discovered that damn prophecy. My counterpart's conscience saved him once. Perhaps it can save him again._

As I made my choice, the world changed once again.

* * *

**After a bit of thought, Severus decided to wait until morning rather than go inform the Dark Lord immediately. It would be suspicious if he suddenly woke up right after Lily and Hagrid's important conversation.**

Closing his eyes, he let himself drift off to sleep.

* * *

I glared the swirling image, unable to rest. Would this make a difference?

"You seem awfully invested in the decisions of your counterpart. Why?"

Turning, I was reminded of the disturbing silver pools that served as her eyes but quickly rallied. "You realize that I gain knowledge for my final decision by his choices. By determining the proper way to prevent him from causing the deaths of others, I can make sure I avoid mistakes myself."

She tilted her head curiously at me, weighing me with her gaze, but I bore it without giving so much as an inch, fixing her with narrowed eyes. Finally, she nodded. "Your logic is sound. This would help, but that does not explain why it matters so much to you."

I ground my teeth but said nothing, returning my attention to my counterpart.

* * *

Dumbledore's office was much as it had always been: whimsical and welcoming, with the little oddities that were perhaps a necessity of being Albus Dumbledore. The man in question smiled as Severus entered, before waving a hand at the chair across from his desk.

"Good morning," he said as Severus tried to balance himself in the squashy armchair, "Would you care for a lemon drop?"

"That will be quite unnecessary," Severus said stiffly. "Are lemon drops really the reason you called me here?"

Dumbledore only smiled, ignoring Severus' annoyance. "Some say they are of little importance but you never know. Many say much the same about us teachers, do they not? That all we are good for is teaching facts and spells."

Humming noncommittally, he kept a polite expression upon his face, even as aggravation settled hotly in his stomach. It was half past five now, said the cheery little clock on one of the shelves behind Dumbledore's desk, causing him to sigh..

He didn't know exactly when the Jenkins family would be moving to Godric's Hollow, but it didn't matter at this point. He'd made his decision and it was too late to change it.

Dumbledore continued the conversation, talking for the both of them, linking Severus' teachings toward his students and consequences of blah, blah blah and he couldn't bring himself to care.

_You did what you had to do,_ he told himself, but the gnawing only grew in his stomach.

Suddenly, a silver stag bounded into the room. It stood tall and straight, with a strangely familiar expression of arrogance. A Patronus, and whose was made clear when James Potter's voice said, "It went well. The Jenkins family is at the safe house and behind Fidelius now."

_Of course it went well, _he thought to himself scathingly, _because every time you've gotten the chance to actually make something of yourself, to be more than that greasy halfblood from the slums, you chickened out. They betrayed your side, so why did you care what happened to them?_

Because just like the last time he'd gotten the opportunity to rise, when he uncovered the prophecy, he'd let that tiny little bit of compassion ruin everything. So what if she was from the slums like him? Who cared that he could almost imagine the little boy as himself? It was war, people died, and he was a fucking wuss; all he had to show for it was a little feeling of warmth, no better than pissing himself.

"You know, Severus," Dumbledore continued, not noticing his inner turmoil as he dismissed the Patronus, "what we do as educators to guide our students is very important, But it isn't always us who make the difference. Sometimes our students surprise us themselves. You have demonstrated more of a heart than I ever thought of you. Befriending Hagrid, becoming a teacher, even listening as I babble on." he chortled almost to himself. "Not something I would have normally expected of one of Voldemort's Death Eaters."

The headmaster's smile was so friendly that for a moment, Severus didn't comprehend the meaning of his words, then the air sucked itself out of the room. Dumbledore _knew_.

How long? The whole time? Or maybe it was an accusation… no, that knowing look in the man's eyes. The headmaster knew, and now Severus was inside the office of perhaps the most powerful wizard in the world, as thoroughly trapped as a fly caught in the spider's web. He considered trying to deny it, but after everything… he was just too tired.

"When did you find out? How?"

"Severus, don't worry, you did a perfectly good job as a spy," Dumbledore said reassuringly, as if explaining why he didn't quite get that 'Outstanding' on his homework. "I just knew you were a servant of Voldemort before you so much as met me in the Ministry's holding cell, all those months ago."

"Then why?"

"I am afraid that I took advantage of our encounter then to discover something about you."

"But - But I blocked your legilimency."

Dimbledore chuckled. "My dear boy, you overestimate the importance of magic and miss something of far greater value than any spell: the heart of the man behind it."

"You see," he explained, "while you were probably trying to protect against me seeing your interactions with your dark master, you missed that something of infinitely greater value: you overheard a prophecy about someone destined to defeat Voldemort, a secret that could have bought you immense prestige and fortune... and went home rather than tell him. That intrigued me more than any bit of cleverness or spellwork you might have been capable of. So I invited you here to a closer eye on you."

His mind raced. If Dumbledore had known the whole time, then he must have prepared...

"But you needed to be sure, didnt you?" Severus said slowly. "You wanted to see what I would do in a similar situation. Hagrid, Lily, you set up the situation so that I would have to reveal my loyalties."

Had his friendship with Hagrid been planned by Dumbledore all along? Lily's sudden reappearance. Was that another one of his tricks? How far back did it all go?

Dumbledore met his eyes and smiled benignly. "Rest assured that there was no grand plot involving your friends. I simply wished to see if your decision was a one-time act of sympathy or kindness, or if there was more behind itl. However, when Lily mentioned that she was worried about how much she'd revealed after a night's drinking with you and Hargrid, I arranged a little gambit." He paused. "Are you aware that you snore, Severus?"

_I… snore? So when Lily opened the door to the room, she must have realized I had overheard… _Severus' face colored at his careful subterfuge being undone by something so simple, but Dumbledore had said something even more concerning. "You risked that family's lives to test me?"

"Of course not. I had Mr. Potter take them to a different hiding place just in case." Rather than reproach though, his expression only grew more pleased, which sent Severus' mood further south at the realization he'd been played _again_. "It was a simple plan, really. When he sent his report it went well, I watched your reaction. The Patronus surprised you, but not what it said. You knew nothing would happen, which meant you didn't inform Voldemort."

_That... makes a lot of sense,_ he admitted grudgingly. It wasn't like Dumbledore would actually risk someone's life to test his loyalty, would he?

Of course, that left him where he was now, trapped in Dumbledore's office. He'd try to run or fight but he was quite aware of how hopeless that was. At least he probably didn't have to fear Azkaban - he hoped - or the Aurors would already be here. "So, what happens now. Being squeezed for information?"

"Not in the slightest." Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair. "I offer you two choices: join the Order and fight against the Dark Lord... or you may return to him, and tell him of your failure here."

"And what? Arrest me the next day?"

"No, Severus. Because of the good you have done, I will allow you one get-out-of-jail-free card."

He blinked. "A what?"

"Ahh, it comes from a rather enjoyable muggle game. Essentially, you can leave without fear of persecution for any crimes you have committed. Of course, if you commit more, that will end."

Severus frowned. Ignoring the man's enjoyment of strange Muggle pastimes, supposedly he was offering the chance to leave and return to Voldemort's side. "So I have the option to join you… but why would I want to? Every bit of misery I faced, every suffering, it was there with you doing so very little to help me. Why should I help you in turn?" He sneered. "The Dark Lord. He's going to give me power, respect, everything I ever dreamed of... you're just going to give me an early grave."

"I know I have made mistakes in the past, not out of malice, but that does not mean they did not harm you." Dumbledore bowed his head. "I am sorry for that."

"An apology I could have used _years_ ago, preferably with something done to back it up. The only reason you care now is because of the value I offer."

"More that giving thought and review to the past made my mistakes clear, as hindsight often does." Dumbledore met his gaze. "But the reason I think you would want to join Voldemort is because there are people you care about?"

"And why would that stop me?"

"Your best friends are a half-giant and a Muggleborn, both who are fighting against Voldemort. If he wins, it will be after their deaths."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "The Dark Lord values loyalty. If I were to ask for their safety -"

"Only if you were high in the Death Eaters' ranks, and how would Lily and Hagrid react once they found out? Would they even be able to look at you?" At Severus' lack of response, Dumbledore clasped his hands together and said, "As I stated, it is entirely your decision, but there is something else you should know. The lives you saved because you did the right thing are not mere faceless individuals."

That was firmer ground. "Yes, yes, they have names. Agatha Jenkins is a traitor who 'saw the light', just as you're hoping I will do, while her son is just a little tyke and her husband did nothing to be dragged into this," he drawled, his words dripping sarcasm. "Is that about right?"

Dumbledore laughed. "Not entirely. Tell me, do you know when Lily's son was born?"

The mere thought of Potter's spawn, the symbol that she had taken Potter into both her heart and body, bearing his child, was like fire being poured into him. He whirled on Dumbledore savagely. "No, and why would I care when her damn brat crawled his way out of her?"

"July 31st, Severus, or, as a more poetic speaker might say: _as the seventh month dies_."

Severus froze. Even now, the words of the prophecy were familiar, playing in an endless reminder of his mistakes. Or so he had thought. For a moment, he wondered if perhaps it was a bluff on the headmaster's part, but both Lily and Potter were fighting against the Dark Lord. While not conclusive, he couldn't dismiss it, which meant… which meant… Dumbledore's eyes were solemn, no humor or mockery in them, only pity. _I thought I was such a fool, wished I could have done it all over. _Severus laughed, a bitter, raw sound, even to his own ears. _If I had… _

"Yes, Lily chose to join the Order of the Phoenix and fight against Voldemort, defying him alongside her husband three times, so, had you provided him the prophecy, it would have meant her death." Dumbledore's words were soft, but they pushed him off a cliff. "She's bound to it now, you realize. In order for his reign to be secure, Voldemort cannot allow her child to survive, and she will die before that happens."

Severus looked down at his hands. A part of him wanted to say that he didn't care, as after all, Lily was married. She had a fucking son with Potter. But that was spite talking. The truth was, he did care, and the thought of Lily dying… anathema.

"Beyond that though, Severus," Dumbledore said softly, "I'm afraid that there is no room at Voldemort's side for a good Death Eater. If you are unwilling to throw your conscience away, to bring death to the innocent and undeserving, he will not accept you as his servant."

The words were logical, but still he hesitated. _Come on, Severus, you can still do this. Think of all the time you put into becoming a Death Eater. The reason you're having trouble isn't because of a lack of opportunities, but because of you screwing them up. The Dark Lord is offering you the world. You just have to let that silly conscience go._

Except… he didn't want to. He didn't want to be responsible for innocent people dying. As much as it hurt him in terms of success, his heart felt warm knowing that he had done the right thing.

He made his decision… or perhaps he had made it long ago. Meeting Dumbledore's eyes, he swallowed and said, "If we win, I expect an Order of Merlin."

It was bravado, and they both knew it.

Still, Dumbledore's smile was kind. "Without a doubt, Severus."

* * *

"So he joined after all," Lavis said softly.

Something seemed to uncoil in my stomach. "So he did." I eyed her, "and the decision that made the difference was whether he pretended to be asleep or wake up?"

Leaning back in her seat, she tapped her chin, but it was a long moment before she spoke. "Not necessarily. It's likely, but all the decision meant was that that moment had a large impact upon your future, not necessarily that it led to your joining the Order versus staying loyal to Voldemort. For example, it seems clear that your befriending Hagrid caused you to encounter Lily, but we don't know what would have happened if you didn't."

I considered her words before remembering one thing Dumbledore had mentioned. "Lily knew I was faking being asleep based on my lack of snoring, so from the moment she opened the door, she realized I was awake," I said as I ran through the scenario, Lavis nodding along with my logic. "If I pretended to wake up then, she would know I was lying, and with what she had just revealed… there was no way she could let me leave that house."

Lavis narrowed her eyes in thought. "Lily would have to capture your counterpart, obliviate him... perhaps even kill him if she had no other choice."

"Indeed, and with that, any chance for my counterpart to prove his good intent would be gone…"

To think, one's life depended upon such small things at times. But then, how many of my past mistakes were based on things that I realized long after? I shook my head. We would see this soon enough. "Still, a very well done bit of manipulation by Albus there. Now, he has my counterpart as a spy and didn't even need to risk anyone's life."

Lavis' expression cleared, as glad as him to change the subject. "He gave the other Severus a chance to walk away."

I snorted. "Of course he did. If he forced my counterpart to be a part of the Order, he'd be handing the perfect spy to the Dark Lord on a silver platter. Albus needed him to feel like it was his choice, as blackmail would just have resulted in that Severus betraying the Order at the opportune time."

"Or perhaps Dumbledore felt that he deserved mercy given the mercy he had shown others."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Albus' goals might be virtuous, but he was more than willing willing to make hard choices when he needed to.

* * *

Parchment and ink had been put together in an utter atrocity, every semblance of truth distorted to cover up a multitude of lies, falsehoods and rank stupidity.

Only too eager to get such rot away from him, Severus jotted a jagged 'T' in black ink, underneath, writing 'Your lack of ability is only surpassed by your misunderstanding of the topic. Stop staring at Mr. Alberts' backside during class and you might actually learn something!'

Throwing it to the side, Severus looked at the far-too-large pile of parchment, each likely filled with more mistakes and inaccuracies than the one before it. He bit back a frustrated groan.

_Still, at least it hasn't been all bad._

The months came and went with several changes to his office. A teacher's salary wasn't the greatest but he now had far more money than he'd ever possessed in his life. He wore new robes rather than second-hand ones and had managed to obtain several rare potion ingredients, now bottled atop shelves along the wall.

His changed loyalties hadn't actually changed much in his daily routine. The best secrets were kept between as few people as possible and so, as of yet, his joining the Order was known to only him and Dumbledore.

He had suggested informing the Dark Lord of his joining and framing it as an infiltration, but Dumbledore declined. He explained that while it was possible that gambit would be worth attempting in the future, for now Severus was too valuable of a card kept secret to let Voldemort suspect.

Instead, he was to continue fulfilling any other duties Voldemort assigned to him while attempting to 'work his way into Dumbledore's good graces'. In the meantime, he ferried what information to Dumbledore he could, but he sadly did not have enough of the Dark Lord's trust to provide much of value.

As such, the irony was that both masters wanted him here now, grading the homework of blithering idiots.

He was soon in the middle of giving another student an acceptable - her arguments were wrong but at least she had approached them logically - when there was a knock at his door.

He glanced at the clock over the mantle. Half past seven, and he was about to get down to a relaxing evening of reading the latest _Potions Weekly_.

_This had better be damn good… _If a prefect had caught a couple of students fucking again, he would give the lot of them detention for a week. No wonder they couldn't focus. They wasted too much time indulging their silly teenage hormones!

With a flick of his wand, the door opened.

It wasn't a prefect though or even Hagrid. It was Lily.

Shit!

It was far too late to prepare for her arrival but he glanced about his room all the same. Laundry sorted in its basket, although he quickly moved to conceal any undergarments. Bed half-made. _I need to request separate quarters in the future, no matter how convenient this setup is. _Dishes done - even with the meals in the Great Hall, he didn't eat there all the time - and there weren't any pesky vermin squirming about.

A quick rub of his cheeks confirmed that he had a definite five o'clock shadow, but there was little to be done about that. He himself was always the main weakness. Beyond his normal lack of conventional attractiveness, his robes were rumpled and filled with sweat after a day's teaching Potions class in that hot classroom, and the resulting fumes added a definite oily sheen to his hair.

Still, he couldn't exactly leave her standing in the doorway. Opting to wing it and hoping his thundering heartbeat was just his imagination, he welcomed her inside. "Lily, what brings you here so late?"

"Oh, I was stopping by to see the headmaster," Order business, surely, "and figured I'd stop by." She peered past him, grinning as her eyes darted to various parts of the room, "Wow… You always were great at Potions, but to go into teaching it right out of Hogwarts?"

"I assume you recall that I was best at that art."

She did that laugh that never failed to put his chest in knots. "_Tied_ for best, you mean. I was the one who won the Felix Felices in sixth year, after all… but then, when I said it was unexpected, I never said that you didn't have the ability."

For a moment, he worried she might be referring to _that_, her - all-too-accurate - suspicions of where he'd end up, but then she continued, "Whenever you tried tutoring someone, you would go positively mad. Remember that time with Sabrina?"

He let out a slow breath. This was safer territory. "And you think her suggestion of adding _sugar_ to an antivenom to, and I quote, 'help the medicine go down' was a good idea?"

Lily grinned. "Hardly, but you treated her and everyone else like they were a complete idiot; you didn't teach so much as lambast them."

"They were idiots. If I took half their suggestions, you would have been able to fit my remains inside a matchbox. I was getting grey hairs at sixteen."

"Severus." The way she said his name was soft, but it soothed the remembered aggravation, even if just a little, in that way that only Lily could. It wasn't anger or reproach, instead a simple request to listen, so he did.

"They weren't idiots. It's only that… You know that thrill when we got the potion _just_ right? Most of them don't get that. It's a class that they need to learn, but isn't a passion."

He mulled it over. Perhaps it was true, but even so... "And why would I want to teach people who aren't excited by it?"

She reddened, unable to meet his eyes. "Honestly... I wasn't too excited at first myself. I just did it because you were my friend and you seemed so thrilled about it. Don't worry," she smiled dissuade the worry in his expression, "I ended up really liking it for its own sake, but that was only after you'd shown me just how much fun it could be. You should try showing your students that side of you."

"Maybe," He temporized. Even were he to try, he suspected that there wouldn't be that many like her. Lily was one in a million, in more ways than one. Still, he didn't want to disappoint her. "I will consider it," he said, before changing the subject, "Speaking of Potions though, how have you been brewing?"

Lily's smile dimmed at his words. "It's been tough," she admitted. "I haven't really had the chance to do much brewing since school. Between getting married, having my son, and…" she chewed her lip, "what's been happening in the wizarding world, it's been difficult for me to brew."

He nodded slowly. The world around them... He was well aware of how the Dark Lord wished to create a world where the worthy ones thrived, but he'd never thought that wouldn't include Lily. She was special beyond words, so to think that the world had gone against her because of her blood... It was rank injustice.

* * *

I frowned, trying to think of whether there was mention of prejudice against Lily… then rolled my eyes. "She means fighting for the Order, I suppose?"

"Yes, with the fight against Voldemort, she hasn't had much opportunity to focus on such matters." Lavis paused, eying me thoughtfully. "Does he think her incapable of fighting?"

I blinked. Had I ever thought that? I tried to remember what I'd believed back then, when I had so eagerly served Lily's future killer.

"No," I said. "He just never thought she'd need to. This wasn't her battle."

Lavis tilted her head, a weighing expression flitting across her face before returning to her normal smoothness. "Given that she is a Muggleborn, that is an… interesting point of view."

I returned my attention to my counterpart, not saying anything. How could I explain that, as illogical as it sounded, Lily always seemed so incredible that the idea of her having to fight for anything had been ridiculous. _Of course _the world would accept her. Who wouldn't?

And so I led her to her death, not thinking my actions would have any impact on her, a mistake my counterpart came so close to making.

* * *

Severus wondered what would happen if he asked the Dark Lord for a favor to aid her before realizing the foolishness of the concept; he was far from within the man's favor, after all.

"Would you like to brew with me?" He offered instead.

"I'm rusty," Lily said, but she reached for the stirring rod all the same. Slowly at first, then quicker and with more confidence, she followed instructions from back when they were still students. Her concentration was absolute to the point that in that moment he knew, he wasn't truly there. There was only her, the cauldron and the potion within.

He had been observing the best students Hogwarts had to offer all year but none held a candle to her. She didn't ask what potion it was, knowing it from the scent and the color alone; her movements were smooth and precise, yet with a little flair that was all her own. When she finished ten minutes later, setting the cauldron to simmer, she took a deep, sighing breath. "Draught of Sorrow... I remember. That was the one we worked on in fifth year."

"You worked hard on it," Severus said, recalling some of the details. "I remember you submitted it to _Potions Weekly_. You insisted that it would bring a name to us. What happened - oh."

Her smile faded and laughter died. One week after she submitted it to _Potions Weekly_ was the day of the Defence against the Dark Arts final, when everything fell apart.

"Well," she finally said, "I never got a reply, but you're the Potions Master at Hogwarts now, and would surely have better luck than some student."

He considered it briefly then shook his head. "No. It was your creation, not mine."

"You helped!"

"I will not take credit I have not earned. You did the work, you deserve the rewards."

Lily looked at him strangely and chuckled. "You really are stubborn, aren't you? Tell you what, I'll submit it in both of our names."

"I suppose that would be acceptable."

She shook her head, a wry smile on her face before asking him about his upcoming projects - he was a teacher after all, not dead. He'd missed this, missed her. It had been so long since their friendship ended, yet they slipped back into old habits with ease. It was a powerful feeling, strong enough to wipe away time and resentment, the tightness in his chest loosening just a little.

Apparently it wasn't just him who was affected as Lily's eyes widened at a glimpse of his clock. "Half past nine? Shit! I need to get back home. I'm so sorry." She stumbled briefly in her panic, but recovered. "Sorry," she repeated. "I was supposed to be home an hour ago."

The greedy child inside him demanded that she stay forever, but he forced it back. There would be other days, and her - he swallowed his distaste - _husband_ was probably wondering where she had gotten off to. Not that he cared if Potter missed her, but rather that the bastard might forbid her coming again.

It was only when the door had long-since shut that he realized his mistake: he hadn't asked if they could meet again or even any way to contact her. Given that this time had only happened because she was visiting Dumbledore…

"Damn it."

"The Prewetts are dead," Dumbledore said quietly. He had taken Severus aside after dinner the night before exams were due to take place, asking him to come to his office.

He had expected a discussion on any progress he was making in infiltrating the Dark Lord's ranks, not _this_.

Now he paced through the headmaster's office. He hadn't known the Prewetts, but knowing that they died brought a coldness to his stomach. He had felt good after protecting the Jenkins family, after finding out he had saved Lily - if inadvertently - but now… All the little knick-knacks of the headmaster's office shimmered and gleamed brightly, as the sun set, but it only made Severus' heart darken further. They were symbols of the shiny glittering things that distracted him while two men died.

Gathering himself, he faced the headmaster. "I thought they went into hiding… How did the Dark Lord find out?"

"It seems that the Order has a spy in our ranks." Looking at Severus, the headmaster smiled wanly. "I am quite certain it isn't you, for what it's worth, if only because none of them know that you are part of it."

"Do you know who it is then?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "The Prewett's trusted their friends and allowed several people to know where they were hiding, and of those, several have admitted to sharing that information with those they trusted. Between that and those who might have overheard, there are too many possibilities."

Severus shook his head. It had been a long shot, but...

"I still remember them," Dumbledore said quietly. "They were in my Transfiguration class along with their sister Molly. One of them accidentally covered my classroom in a thin layer of slime and I couldn't figure which of them it was, so I ended up punishing them both." He chuckled mirthlessly before turning his gaze upon Severus. "We need to find out who the spy is, and soon. We are not the ministry. We don't have the luxury of dozens of Hit Wizards and Aurors to call upon. We are a small band and we rely upon trust and secrecy, but if that is destroyed, the Order will go with it."

_So almost as soon as I join the Order of the Phoenix, they are on their last legs. Wonderful. Perhaps I should have stayed loyal to the Dark Lord. _It was an idle thought though. There was something… surprisingly freeing about not having to struggle with his conscience, even if it might kill him. "Perhaps I could join the Order officially and root out this spy."

The headmaster smiled kindly but shook his head. "That is not possible, I'm afraid. While I trust you not to be the spy, so long as the spy is there, you would have to report every secret you hear to Voldemort for fear of the spy telling him of a secret that you should have known, effectively giving him two spies until the first is found."

Damn, that was a good point. "What if I were to work with someone within the Order though?" He waited for an objection, but when none came, he continued, "You are a part of the Order yourself, of course, but the spy is surely on the greatest possible guard around you."

"While they might not be so careful around someone else," Dumbledore finished, rubbing his beard thoughtfully. "That is not a bad idea..." he said, before frowning, "But there is one problem: it would be suspicious to have you suddenly start interacting with a member of the Order. The walls of Hogwarts may be safe from outside attack, but that is far from being safe from infiltrators."

Severus considered. Dumbledore's point was good, but they were in desperate straits. Risks needed to be taken. "That is true, but there is one member of the Order I already interact with: Lily."

He said the words confidently, however inside, he was anything but. Bringing Lily in would mean telling her the truth. He _had _joined the Death Eaters, just as she'd always feared, working to aid the Dark Lord. He'd hoped to keep it secret, that the war might end with them victorious and her _never knowing_. She would be furious to discover what had happened, but it was the only option.

"Miss Evans?" Dumbledore considered. "That is true. There would be little cause for suspicion for you meeting with Miss Evans, particularly as she has been the one seeking you out. It would be nigh-perfect... except we have yet to rule her out as the spy."

"Perhaps, but if there is anyone, _anyone_ who I am certain would never serve the Dark Lord, it is Lily. We ended our friendship over such a matter before."

"People change, Severus. While she has done nothing that would indicate that she is a spy, neither have any of the other ones we have yet to rule out." Dumbledore leaned forward in his seat. "As you yourself know, it is entirely possible to seem kind and friendly all while plotting for Voldemort. If you choose to trust Miss Evans, not only are you trusting your life, but everyone's lives - what better way for the spy to hide themselves than by pretending to investigate? By the time we uncovered the truth, it would surely be too late" He peered at Severus over his half-moon spectacles. "Are you so certain that you are prepared to bet everything on her innocence?"

Severus opened his mouth, and closed it again, thinking carefully. Putting it that way... The stakes were not just a few men, nor even the Order, but perhaps all of Magical Britain, nay, even the world itself. Was he prepared to risk that on his belief in Lily Evans?

He hesitated, but thought of the way she'd chosen to fight the Dark Lord to begin with. She had forsaken their friendship because she believed - accurately - that he was going to join the Death Eaters. While people could change underneath, he was aware, she still believed in fighting, even when, according to the prophecy, the Dark Lord had given her multiple chances to join him.

The stakes were high, but if there was one person in this world he could trust to fight the Dark Lord with every breath left in their body, it was her. "I..." he swallowed. "Yes, I would bet the world on Lily."

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "Let me summon her."

Severus blinked. "What?"

"There is a saying that desperate times call for desperate measures. If we do nothing, more people will die. Under ideal circumstances, we would carefully determine who we can trust, but we need to solve this, _while_ keeping you as a trusted Death Eater - even if we catch this spy, we need you to win."

"Me? Are… are you certain?"

"No, but there are so few things that are in war. You are not certain about Lily either - I can see that you have the slightest shadow of a doubt - but you are choosing to believe in her. The decisions we make now can change the world, and the reason I asked you if you're prepared to stake everything on your trust in Lily... I needed to know that it was not mere affections or blind faith. You took the time to consider and still you choose to trust her. I will have faith in you to be right. Now, wait here. Let me summon my Patronus."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Lily said. "Severus was a death eater who attempted to infiltrate the Order, only to change sides, joining the Order, to infiltrate the Death Eaters... by attempting to spy on the Order. Did I leave anything out?"

Severus could feel the blood draining from his face more with every soft word. He expected her to be angry, but the lack of emotion in her voice… it was just like that horrific day she severed their friendship.

Dumbledore seemed unaffected however. "Lily, I would not ask for your help in this if it were not of the utmost importance. Can you put your anger aside and help?" He waited while Lily narrowed her eyes before nodding tightly. "Now, let me explain what we need you to do…"

Over the next ten minutes, Dumbledore went over the details; she would aid Severus by being his eyes and ears, spying upon the other Order members on his behalf and assisting him in narrowing down the list of potential suspects to a manageable number. Their cover story for any meetings would be the two of them going out drinking, meeting at Hagrid's hut or visiting while coming to see the headmaster. Patronuses had the disadvantage of not knowing where they would blurt out their secrets while the Floo network could be monitored and owls too. Dumbledore mentioned getting them a journal they could write to each other in similar to what he and Lucius had, but it would be some time before it arrived.

It was… not a perfect plan, but a reasonable one. The way Lily agreed to Dumbledore's conditions, including keeping this from her husband though, all with a hard expression and emotionless voice, told him that this would be anything but reasonable.

When Dumbledore left to give them time to discuss privately, claiming to have some issues that needed working out with Professor McGonagall, Severus braced himself.

The door closed with a click and Lily turned to him. Her guard from when Hagrid first took them drinking was back up. No, he corrected himself, it was higher than he had ever seen it before, not showing him the slightest emotion. The silence thickened worse than even the most idiotic students' brews.

She was making no move to break it, so after a couple of minutes, he said, "Whatever you may think of me, we need to work together. Can you?"

Not seeming to notice his words, she asked, "When Hagrid introduced you to me, were you working for You-Know-Who then?"

Severus swallowed. To tell the truth or a comforting lie… No, he realized, Lily already knew the answer. She just wanted to hear him say it. "I was working for the Dark Lord. I changed sides after that night, but right then… yes."

Closing her eyes, she drew in upon herself. For an instant, just an instant, hurt radiated from her expression, then she swallowed and recollected herself. "You know, I'd been wondering for years, wondering if I was wrong, if I'd misjudged you somehow, playing every interaction back in my head like a movie, if maybe I _had _overreacted. When I saw you again… I had never been happier to think I was wrong."

"And now?"

She didn't answer, instead turning away.

"Oh."

"It's good that you chose to do the right thing," she said quietly. "I know how hard it is to turn against him, so what you did took a lot of courage. I just wish that you had done the right thing earlier, when..." 'when we were still friends' was almost audible. "It's good you did the right thing," she repeated.

It wasn't the same thing as forgiveness, he knew. "Will we be able to work together?"

"Yes. I'm not going to let the Order fall apart because of our issues." Lily paused. "Have you been able to uncover any evidence as to who the spy is?"

"Not yet. We do not have evidence toward anyone, truthfully, save for knowing that the Prewett's murder would have been impossible without a spy." A thought struck him. "Is there someone you're suspicious of though? Some evidence you know of?"

"Not… necessarily," she said, looking past him to Dumbledore's shelves to avoid meeting his gaze.

She was protecting someone, worried that she might get them in trouble. _Could it be Potter? _The thought was intoxicating in its irony: the golden boy of Gryffindor turning out to be the spy for the Dark Lord. "Lily," he purred, "if you know something incriminating anyone, it is for the good of the Order that you let me know."

She narrowed her eyes at him but nodded. "Not anyone specifically, just," she sighed, "a few nights before the Prewett brothers were murdered, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter visited him for the first time. James told me that there was some sort of argument between Remus and Gideon and tempers flared. Nothing too special, but…"

"But?"

"Given the timing, it is awfully coincidental."

Indeed. The problem was that it didn't necessarily mean anything; as Dumbledore explained, there was no shortage of Order members who had visited the Prewetts before the week of their deaths, and those were just the ones who visited. "Was there any other evidence?"

"Remus has been awfully quiet and standoffish of late, especially with James and Sirius," she admitted reluctantly. "And You-Know-Who lately has been promising Dark creatures a lot if he comes to power." Apparently she'd realized at some point he was right about Lupin being a werewolf. "I… I don't want to think that he or any of the Order members would betray us, but the thought is… tempting, no?"

Severus considered this. It was logical, and yet… he didn't like it. Perhaps it was because he wanted it to be Potter, perhaps it just felt off to him, but… "Lupin is a little worm who is afraid to do anything about his friends, a coward at heart, but above all else, he is ashamed of being a werewolf. In order to take advantage of the Dark Lord's offer, he would first have to be willing to admit what he is, and I will be Minister of Magic before that day comes."

Lily narrowed her eyes and he knew she wanted to defend the wolf from his accusations, but his point couldn't be denied and they both knew it. "If not Lupin, then who?"

"There are a number of possibilities, of course. It could be Vance, Potter, Pettigrew, Black or Doge. Hell, it could even be Lupin after all." Severus locked his gaze with hers. "That is why I asked Dumbledore for your aid, but more than that. Not only can you serve as my eyes and ears, but you provide another valuable service." He smirked. "From my recollections, you are quite the gossip."

"I am not a gossip_," _she said defensively. Her contested with his raised eyebrow before she folded and grumbled out, "Fine, so I've been known to enjoy a few rumors, but how does that help?"

"Because gossip does not need to be true."

* * *

I frowned as the image before me swirled once again but there was no sign of a choice. Turning to my otherworldly companion, I said, "Given the importance of the situation, surely my counterpart realizing Pettigrew is the spy would be a worthy decision."

She shook her head. "I am afraid that isn't how this potion works. It lets you see alternate decisions your counterpart might have made, not could have made." She noticed my narrowed eyes and smiled slightly before explaining. "Right now, your counterpart has a wand in hand. There is nothing stopping him from _Avada Kedavraing _Lily in the back the first chance he sees her. However, that is something he would never do."

"And uncovering Pettigrew is an equally impossible mental process," I said sardonically, before shaking my head. "Really, it should have been obvious that Pettigrew was the spy to anyone who looked into it."

"It is easy to say that now," Lavis replied. "Pettigrew was a coward, Pettigrew liked being friends with bullies… but a coward who chooses to fight Voldemort knowing the danger doesn't seem like much of one, nor does one's only friends being bullies seem like a pattern of choosing bullies as friends. In a group of four, one of whom was a Dark creature, two of whom were temperamental leaders, a simple people-pleaser is easy to miss out on, and it is difficult to see the depths to which a person can sink."

I frowned. That was… an excellent point. I had been fooled by Pettigrew's falsifications myself for over a decade, admittedly easy to do when the spy in question had supposedly been blown to bits while pleading for his life, but prior to Dumbledore's explaining of it to me, I had never given the rat much thought beyond being the 'mini-marauder'. Truthfully, my instincts would have led me to Potter or Black first, perhaps Lupin. Not Pettigrew.

"Perhaps," I allowed. "When you know someone is guilty, the little discrepancies add up more clearly, whereas when you do not know the guilty party, there are a number of possibilities."

"Yes, unless your counterpart comes up with something clever."

* * *

The clock's hands pointed to eight-thirty, and the lit fireplace cast everything in shadow. His room had undergone a few changes over the past weeks. The cauldron now had murky liquid bubbling within its depths and he'd added a chalkboard to his room, upon which ten names were written, six already crossed-off, either by him or his companion.

Brushing the hair out of her eyes, Lily bit her lip, narrowing her eyes at each of the names in turn before turning back to Severus. "You're certain it can be only these four?"

"Quite. They were the only four who you shared that particular tale with. While it is theoretically possible that they might have told the spy separately, I am certain, given everyone's fear of the Dark Lord's," he ignored her grimace at Voldemort's title, "spy, they would have kept it to themselves."

The plan had been simple as well as elegant, if Severus did say so himself. Taking advantage of Lily's ability at gossip, they had her tell three stories about where they were thinking to move the Jenkins family next week to three sets of individuals. One set had been informed of Manchester, another of London and the third of Whitecastle. Each had been false, of course, but the point had been to see where the Dark Lord would prepare, and while London and Whitecastle had been clear of Death Eater activity, Manchester had no less than three Death Eaters there waiting at the time.

Meeting with Lily had proven surprisingly simple with Hagrid unknowingly aiding them by asking them out to the Hog's Head. It was awkward though, and the distance between them proved stubborn, even if both of them agreed to put matters aside for the Order. It was strange, being so close yet so far away, but she was still Lily, and he would still protect her.

"You do realize," Lily said softly, "the spy won't be fooled again by the same 'clever' scheme."

"Of course not, but the point is that, with the list down to four, now we have options for handling them. It is impossible to keep track of ten suspects conveniently. The fewer there are, the easier it is tracking down the true one. Soon four will be three, then two, then only one."

"Right…" Despite his encouraging words, Lily nodded glumly, looking as if he'd forced her to swallow hot acid. Her head in her hands, she rocked back and forth atop the stool, staring from one name to the next.

It was difficult to blame her. Logically speaking, this _was _excellent progress, especially considering how quickly they had made it, except for just who they were. He glanced at the names inscribed in chalk, not that he needed to, given how much danger they put her in. _Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Mundungus Fletcher. _

With three of her husband's closest friends amongst the only remaining suspects, they needed to find the answer _now_.

Lily drummed her fingers on her chin. "So who is our lucky winner? Please say Mundungus."

He considered for perhaps the hundredth time. Sirius would be his preferred answer, truthfully. The bastard was capable of murder at seventeen, after all. And the thought of how Potter would be devastated by discovering the betrayal of his 'closest mate' was the sort of irony that he would bask in for _years_. However, Lily's safety took precedence over even well-deserved revenge.

"Truthfully, any of these four could be our culprit. They all have access to the information that has leaked to the Dark Lord so far. We simply do not know who did. Veritaserum would be an easy option, but -"

"If the spy were vulnerable to Veritaserum, Dumbledore's Legilimancy skills would already have caught them," Lily finished. "Yes, I know. You've mentioned it enough times." She noticed his raised eyebrow and colored. "Sorry, I know you are trying to be productive. It is just…" She sighed. "There has to be a logical way we can solve this."

"Certainly, there is. We just have yet to figure it out yet. Sadly, while Occlumency is not foolproof, it can be tricky to tell when someone is using it and when they are not. Dumbledore only knew I was using it prior to my arrival at Hogwarts because he already knew I was a Death Eater."

"Hmm…" Lily's eyes… well, they didn't light up but they got a thoughtful look to them. "What if we did something similar?" At the tilt of his head, she continued, "None of our suspects is supposed to know occlumency, so if they do, they're lying to us and probably our spy."

_That… that is a good idea, actually. If she's right, we would only need to prove that the person is capable of Occlumency. Certainly, it would not hold up in wizarding court, but it would suffice to neutralize them as a spy in itself. _He knitted his eyebrows together before nodding slowly. "It cannot merely be knowing a secret though. That secret would have to be one they would, beyond all doubt, lie to protect. If they could conceivably admit it, that could create a false negative."

"Which means that we would rule out the culprit, letting them get away freely." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know one option."

When she told him, Severus smiled nastily. It made so many things clear, so very many things. "We will need to stage the scenario appropriately, but either one of the Marauders will be guilty, in which case, we'll have him, or the Marauders will all be innocent, in which case it is almost certainly Mundungus Fletcher."

"Either way, we'll know the culprit." She swallowed, smiling tremulously. "I hate to say this, but I almost hope we're wrong."

* * *

"... and when the Auror asked if Peter was an Animagus, he said no. He said _no_, easy as you please, all friendly-like. '_No, Mr. Granville. What's an Animagus_'?" Lily hiccuped, her voice cracking. "I couldn't look at him anymore. He - He did it. The Prewetts; Peter got them killed. I still remember the day after. He acted so surprised. Remus was horrified by how the last time he'd spoken to them had been a fight, and Peter squeezed his shoulder and said, "_Not your fault, Moony. You didn't do anything wrong'. _They had this big hug, the four of them, promising they would all be there for each other." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Was it all a lie? Did he just… not care?"

Lily sobbed anew, great globs of tears pouring down her cheeks to splatter on her already-sodden robe.

Severus stood there rooted to the spot, unable to think of the right words to say. News of Pettigrew's guilt came in earlier that day, just before dinner, with an announcement that the Aurors had arrested him and a quick Azkaban sentence was sure to follow. Severus dined lavishly that evening, celebrating that not only had his and Lily's stratagem worked to uncover the - apparently literal - rat, but that it was one of the damn Marauders who had spent years making his life hell. It was one of the happiest moments of his life. He had even taken two slices of cake and a bottle of wine back with him, to continue the celebration, wondering if Lily might be cheering that the danger was gone.

Instead, here she was now, bawling her eyes out on his bed over Pettigrew - he _needed_ to get separate quarters - and he didn't have the faintest idea of what to do. Cake was obviously out of the question, even he realized that, but what was he supposed to _do?_ He'd seen Lily cry a few times before, over things like a girl being mean to her or Petunia refusing her Christmas gift, but not like this, never like this. And why was she here, with him of all people? She was angry with him, and yet here she was. It made no sense.

He'd like to use his experience in dealing with his other friends to help, but the Malfoy's just didn't _do_ crying and other friends were more for convenience than companionship.

Hesitation gripped him.

* * *

I was no better off than my counterpart. No, I was _worse_. Save for my counterpart's interactions with her, I hadn't seen Lily alive in two full decades. It was painfully clear to me that any recollections of how to actually interact with her had vanished into the mists of time.

Which made the words written in the air before me particularly ironic:

**Comfort her with words**

**Comfort her with a hug**

It was my decision. Luckily, I only had two choices, so this should have been easy… except supposedly each choice created a major impact upon my path. Somehow, this timeline hinged on how I comforted Lily.

I turned to my companion. "Can you make any suggestions?"

Lavis tilted her head in apparent consideration, then shook it, her gaze going past me. "You are the one who decides. It is your choice to make and learn."

"Your usefulness is truly impressive," I drawled, before closing my eyes. I considered what few facts could be gleaned from my counterpart's thoughts.

_So Pettigrew was found out as a traitor. This must have been recent to have so affected her, yet she came looking to me for comfort. _Pride flickered in my mind at this but I ignored it, continuing, _That means that she was in search of the comfort I provide. _

The memories were not the same as being able to talk to her effectively, but what memories I did have of comforting her in lesser situations were always by talk and conversation. There were times we hugged, of course, but those were her initiating, not the other way around.

With confidence, I made my decision.

* * *

**Part of Severus wanted nothing more than to pull Lily into his arms and wrap her up in him, but he said, **"At least you're safe now, along with," he did his best to hide a grimace, "your family.

"My family," Lily repeated to herself, before laughing bitterly as more tears spilled down her cheeks, following the now well-worn tracks. She looked up to him, her face a blotchy mess. "When I got home, I found a note, a fucking note. 'Heard the news about Peter. Went to Moony and Padfoot's. Don't wait up for me. Love James. P.S. Harry's with me." She swallowed. "James loves me, but I sometimes feel like… like they're the real family and I'm just the girlfriend with a ring on her finger. Does - Does that make sense?"

"I think I do. You are married to him, but he is more a Marauder than he is your husband." At her widened eyes, he went on, "Many of the Death Eaters are married outside the group. They love their spouses, but while they're married to them, they _are_ Death Eaters." He turned his gaze on Lily, who sat, transfixed at his words. "Potter is married to you, but before all else, he _is_ a Marauder." He paused, but was unable to resist adding, "Also, he is a lazy, arrogant, braggart and -."

"I get it, alright!?" She cried out, causing him to flinch. She took a deep, shuddering breath. "I know you hate him, and you don't see any good in him at all, but he's - he's my husband. I love him and I'm married to him and," her voice softened, "I could use some help."

He couldn't meet her pleading eyes. Helping her with James Potter? No. He wasn't sure he was even capable of it… but while he could rant for all eternity about the bastard, that wouldn't make her happy.

Oddly enough, it reminded him of past arguments over Petunia. No matter how she tormented Lily, Lily wouldn't let him criticize her. He fought the urge to roll his eyes at the familiarity but this had him on solid ground. He knew how to handle _those _discussions.

"I need to have the dunderheads' practical work graded by tomorrow," he said, waving his hand at the flasked and corked brews atop his desk. "Want to see just how much the next generation has 'progressed'?"

She frowned, perhaps wondering if he had some trickery in mind. "You really shouldn't call them dunderheads, you know."

He smiled. She didn't say no. "I shall allow you to see the 'fruits of their labor', then you be the judge. Let us see if you are still singing the same tune."

She bit her lip, eyeing the various potions. Her face was still red and eyes bloodshot, but there was a fire in her expression. Finally, she nodded. "You're on."

He hid a smirk. The best way to cheer Lily up when she was feeling down, in his experience, was to challenge or distract her. Get her away from thinking those sorts of thoughts and she would soon forget she was unhappy.

This time was no different. By the time she was finished grading the potions, she was muttering to herself, albeit looking more frizzy-haired on account of the potion fumes. The tear-streaks remained but no more were leaking down her cheeks.

As for his challenge… at first her advice had been long and encouraging 'I know you can do better than this. The trick is to...' but by the end it had devolved to. 'Three stirs, not two.' and her jaw tightened as she uncorked a particularly foul-smelling brew. She still refused to call them dunderheads, but he was quite sure that was out of determination to avoid hearing him say 'I told you so'.

He watched her the whole time. He always seemed to be. She moved through his rooms like... he wasn't terribly good with metaphors, but he wished he could bottle her smile and the bewitching way she moved and keep it in his pocket, never to leave his side.

The following morning, he woke to the magical journal Dumbledore had indeed provided sounding off with a soft chime. A pale blue thing with a hard-backed cover, it opened with aflutter of paper as he muttered the password _Butterscotch _\- Dumbledore's doing, he was sure. Lily had written a message on her journal, apparently, as the words appeared on the page, writing themselves in her usual loopy cursive for his perusal. She thanked him, saying that James had been there waiting for her when she got home, and had apologized to her on bended knee for leaving her. His mates had been pissed and reminded him to spend time with his fucking wife.

Blah blah blah, and James was going to take her and Harry on a walk that morning, blah blah blah.

He sighed. Of course, the first time Lily messaged him other than for their duties, it was to tell him how romantic James was. Just fucking perfect.

* * *

I frowned. The decision seemed to have gone well, but it wasn't clear just what exactly it was I had achieved or avoided through my decision.

* * *

The two men met each other's gazes, hands itching for what was to come.

"One… two… three!"

With the signal, they sprang into action, each bringing the tankard to their lips for chugging. Severus swallowed as fast as he could, taking advantage of his smaller tankard, but Hagrid's sheer size presented a true challenge.

And in the end, an insurmountable one. Severus was still working on the last little bit when Hagrid slammed his empty mug down, let out an 'Ahh' of satisfaction and smacked his lips. "Was a good try, Sev'rus, a good try."

Severus finished his drink and took a deep breath, stifling a burp. "You always say that, and you always win. Maybe a bit more of a handicap next time?"

"Ah, but 's my turn to cel'brate, now that -"

"Congratulations on the Skrewts, for the tenth time."

"But it was yeh who helped me figure out just the right brew to make 'em friendly. Without you…"

Severus chuckled - a side effect of the beer for certain - but took the compliment with a nod. Once again, they'd come to the Hog's Head, albeit without Lily this time. It was just the two men at their usual table, the tavern keeper having welcomed them with a nod while cleaning some glasses. Even a couple hags waved in their direction. "I am glad we had the chance to do this."

"I know what yeh mean. It's never quite the same once classes come ta an end. How's it feel, sayin' goodbye to them?"

"Like I have been granted parole," he deadpanned. "Three months without fools and dunderheads doing their best to kill themselves in my classroom. How ever will I manage?"

Hagrid tried to keep a straight face but couldn't help snickering. "Dunno, 'm sure that you'll end up missing sum of 'em. They're going to be missing you, I'll bet."

"Some of them a little, perhaps," he muttered. "Not that it matters much."

"Ahh, don't be like that, Sev'rus. They're going to get to know yeh over time. There's plenty ta like about yeh. Yer clever, a good friend -"

"If I agree with you, will you not try to make up good qualities about me?"

Hagrid scratched his beard. "Can't make up what's true."

He rolled his eyes and brandished his mug. "Ready for round two?"

Hagrid grinned. "Tha' however, ain't one o' them."

By the time Severus returned back to his quarters, discerning left from right was proving problematic.

Still, his _hangover halter _was prepared and after swallowing it, he settled himself in his favorite chair when he heard a now-familiar chime. Pulling out the journal, he frowned as the letters wrote themselves upon the page. Why are you contacting me so late, Lily?

Not that he minded, necessarily, but their task was ended now that Pettigrew was captured. There was no reason for her to message him, especially since she had her husband and the _delightful _Marauders.

Couldn't sleep. I'm sure you can guess why.

Severus nodded slowly. With the spy caught, Dumbledore's next move had been to have him 'secretly' join the Order of the Phoenix, then report it to the Dark Lord. That was good news… but the ministry was on its last legs, so the headmaster had come up with a 'creative solution'.

Tomorrow will be the day, he wrote.

Our last chance. Either You-Know-Who dies, or we do.

Indeed, the plan was simple enough. At this point, the new Minister of Magic was in hiding - the last one having met her demise via _Avada Kedavra _in the middle of a speech about needing to rise above their fear of the Death Eaters, no less - and Dumbledore had him deliberately reveal the man's location. One _imperius _and the war was as good as won for Voldemort.

This only works if You-Know-Who takes the bait himself, you know, Lily wrote. He could send the Death Eaters, or have them come along with be on the safe side.

That is true, but Dumbledore seems to think he will choose to do it himself, showing how he overthrew the ministry, and he can quickly summon the rest of the Death Eaters to his side if need be, after all. If Dumbledore's right, the question is if the Dark Lord can be defeated quickly. The whole Order will be there, after all.

Lily didn't reply, but the lack of confidence was almost audible. He couldn't blame her. Beyond the things she listed that could go wrong, the only way to stop Voldemort from quickly escaping was blocking everyone off with anti-apparition wards. Sure, they would hopefully have the Dark Lord trapped there, but they would be there with him, and every Death Eater in Britain would be joining the fight within minutes.

Even if they won the death toll would be catastrophic, and if they lost, there would be no coming back in this war. It was not the sort of strategy one did if they thought they even had the _slightest _chance of winning by any other means.

The problem was they had no chance of winning by any other means.

Severus?

Yes, Lily?

For several minutes, nothing came through, then… Be careful.

He tilted his head, trying to think of what she was trying to communicate to him, but in his exhaustion, nothing seemed to be making sense. I always am.

Another long wait, this one so long he drifted off to sleep, but when he woke in the morning, there was writing on the pages, Please don't die.

* * *

I had not observed the battle of Hogwarts, being held back after my escape until my death, but I imagined that it had been something like this: a bloodbath.

* * *

Voldemort was too quick for the ambush, and almost as soon as he arrived had called his Death Eaters. Everything promptly dissolved into bedlam.

Severus made use of his Death Eater robes and mask to cause as much confusion and damage within their ranks as humanly possible.

Still, the battle raged on and the weight of numbers told. The Order held the tiny cathedral Dumbledore had chosen to cross wands with Voldemort as best they could, aided by the ministry forces that soon joined in the commotion, but he was not the only traitor in the midst. Some of the ministry members who were secretly working for Voldemort or had been imperiused by those who did had turned their wands upon their comrades.

The casualties mounted, and behind them fire raged as the Defeater of Grindlewald did battle with the Dark Lord.

Holding on... that was all they could do at this point. Hold on long enough and pray that Dumbledore would be able to win. The one advantage that the Order had: they were the only side to have been notified of this final battle ahead of time. With hastily-crafted barricades and even a few potions, they were more prepared than their foes, but it mattered only so much when outnumbered at least twenty to one.

A Death Eater's curse whistled over Severus' head, two from the opposing side followed suit, aiming for him. A _protego_ blocked the latter two while a quick ducking handled the former. In turn, he used a charm spell upon a fallen rock to make it fly back into the Death Eater ranks. One advantage of having so many foes teeming in a mass was that he didn't have to aim to hit them.

Still, even with his efforts, the Death Eaters soon broke through the church doors, their fear of death outweighed by their fear of what their master would do to them if they failed to make it to his side. The only thing stopping them from slaughtering the rest of the Order was the ministry forces on the other side of _them._

The problem was that the Order was the anvil to the Death Eaters' hammer, and even now, the battle between the two titans behind them was too close to call. A few Death Eaters joining in... sure, they'd be taken out in an instant, but that instant might be enough for the Dark Lord to triumph over his foe.

Severus stood with the order members now, his cover being well and truly shot. The Order, to their credit, seemed to have decided that anyone casting curses at the Death Eaters was probably an ally. Of all people, James Potter was standing beside him, guarding his left flank, while Lily stood on the other side.

"Come on," Lily shouted through the din, "just a little -"

A green bolt hurled at her, but she ducked and it went over her before she retaliated with a trio of incendios. Based on the screaming, flailing robed figure, one of them must have taken.

Severus couldn't help smirking. "You know, setting them on fire is a pretty painful way to go."

She couldn't answer verbally, but he liked to think the slight widening of her smile counted. Still, the levity was short lived. He disarmed another Death Eater with a Sectumsempra in both the literal and metaphorical sense, yet they showed no signs of stopping.

"Like..." Lily panted, "like I was saying, we just need to hold out a little longer."

The church was a comparatively nice one, which meant plenty of pillars, tables and chairs for the defenders to hide behind. Unfortunately, the Death Eaters had managed much the same, and there were a lot more of them. An _Avada Kedavra_ had already taken out Sirius Black and that Longbottom woman was literally torn in half. Several others were down. They'd managed to take out about as many as Death Eaters had, but the Death Eaters could bear the losses. The Order couldn't.

"Here they come," Potter shouted, brandishing his wand. "Hold 'em here!"

For perhaps the first time in his life, Severus agreed with something the asshole said. It wouldn't be enough, but -

Then it happened: from the Sanctuary came a roar of rage and pain, a moment before the entire cathedral shook and a dark shape burst from it with an impotent scream.

The door opened, and only Dumbledore tottered out, burned and bleeding, his beard half melted, but triumphant all the same. The Dark Lord had fallen.

* * *

I frowned. "Was Voldemort truly defeated just like that?"

Lavis shook her head, eyeing me strangely. "No. Voldemort is many things, but most of all, he would not die so easily. But in this timeline, he has been defeated for today... He will return eventually though, for -"

Her eyes went wide.

I turned.

* * *

The news of the Dark Lord's defeat rang through the battlefield, but the fight was not over. Under any other circumstances, the remaining Death Eaters might have apparated away to hide behind their names, their wealth and their claims of either innocence or _Imperius_.

However, the Order's trap had been too good. There was no way to apparate, and the ministry was attacking from the other side. Some surrendered, but others fought on in a frenzy brought on by one last desperate attempt to ignore the inevitable, and the onslaught continued.

Severus stood next to Lily, slashing back at the Death Eaters with renewed fury. Soon, they could all go home, the night cast aside for another day. They just had to hold off a little longer…

Lily and James joined in on the onslaught, neither possessing the same plethora of destructive options he did, but not holding back either. Together, they stood firm against Voldemort's minions.

This proved the final breaking point. What was left of the Death Eaters' ranks began to shatter as first one, then another and another ran, either hoping to escape or merely to find the comparatively more merciful foe of the ministry. The night had been long, but at last victory was finally in sight.

The storm was about to finally scatter, but it had one last bolt to fire. In the corner, a Death Eater brought down his wand in a slash, and a silver wave hurtled toward him. In the middle of sending another Death Eater to the floor in a bloody heap, Severus was caught flat-footed, unable to defend himself.

Time slowed to a crawl.

Some might say that it was a fitting end, to have him die from his own spell. Irony brought to life or some shit like that. Fuck them... except he couldn't react quickly enough. His wand wouldn't get around in time, and he was turned the wrong way to dodge. All he had time to do was close his eyes and brace for the end.

He toppled to the ground to the tune of a pained cry as blood spilled with one last splatter, brought to death at last… except it wasn't him who screamed.

His eyes opened, to meet green.

Lily's expression was pale and taut with agony, and she collapsed onto him, her severed arm flopping uselessly onto the carpet as red gushed from it, but she forced a blood-stained smile. "Sev. I…" She choked, before swallowing and putting on the bravest face she could. "Don't worry… it's… it's going to be alright."

* * *

Severus didn't respond, not saying a word as the darkness closed in upon her, his eyes so wide. Vaguely, as if it were from a long distance away, Lily heard the sound of James trying to heal her and fail.

The tumult died away, and the only sounds were James saying something she couldn't understand. At this point, it didn't even matter.

So this was it then, the end. Lily tried to smile, to be as brave as a Gryffindor was supposed to be, but it was hard. There were so many things she should have said, could have said; so many regrets, and she didn't have time to bring words to them.

"Please, stay with me," she whispered instead. Even if it was just for a few moments, she didn't want to die alone. Not like... All she felt was cold though, the shadows closing in upon her and the last bits of the church vanishing until all she could see was the darkness... and Severus' equally dark eyes, meeting her own.

At least… he wasn't looking away, not this time.

The darkness engulfed her, the last thing she heard Fawkes' song in the distance. Her eyes slipped shut and she waited for… what? Oblivion? An afterlife? She felt so close…

But the song wouldn't let her go.

There in the blackest depths of whatever nightmare she had been cast into, the song swelled further, and the darkness froze. Her eyes opened and Severus was there, his eyes fixed upon her own.

With each note, the darkness shied further back, notes of color entering her world. First Severus' nose, then James' voice, black robes, the church and more. And the song grew and grew until a symphony filled her ears, sung with a desperate hope the likes of which she had never seen, but it wasn't Fawkes...

"Sev?"

The darkness finally consumed her, but it was warm and welcome, without pain, suffering... or death. She had lived and the day was won. There would be time for words after all, and, safe in the phoenix's song, she finally succumbed to sleep's tender embrace...

* * *

"So what happens from here?" I asked, watching as Lily's sleeping form slowly faded away into mist.

There was a pause. "There will be fights and struggles ahead," Lavis said. "One day of peace is not the same thing as a lifetime, and the Dark Lord will likely return to power much as in your world. Still, they have a long time until that day comes and no Peter in hiding."

With her words, I finally allowed myself to relax. Every night after her death, I had saved her in my dreams only to have them shattered with the dawn. Now… It had been close several times, but in this timeline at least, I had won.

Or at least, some of the choices I made would have won… I frowned. "What would have happened if I made the alternative choices?"

"You would have seen a different outcome, perhaps worse, perhaps better."

_That is about as clear as mud_. "And... would it be too difficult for you to show me those different outcomes?"

"Hardly. Allow me but a moment." she reached into the potion once more… then frowned as the mist remained unchanges.

"Fascinating. It almost looks like _absolutely_ _nothing _is happening."

Her face colored, but she closed her eyes. The same scenes as before flashed before me, too quickly to count, before she opened them again. "How strange. I can review the timeline we just watched, but there are no decision points in it. It is as if the only decision made was mine at the very beginning."

I considered this. "You did mention that I should only be receiving one choice per timeline, yet I saw more. Did you perhaps mis-brew the potion?"

"No, I am quite certain. I tested it before…" she said, almost to herself, before shaking her head. "Perhaps it was because I made the original decision. You try this time, and let us see if there is a difference."

I frowned, but acquiesced to her words, thinking back to another moment I long regretted...

**Author's Note: Ahh, Severus, it is so fun to write you. You can be so smart, especially with your refusal to use contractions, but miss things at the same time.**

**This timeline is a pretty basic one, although it had some twists and turns of its own. In a way, it's an introduction, both for us and Severus. The ones to come will get rather more complex, and I look forward to showing them in the future :)**

**This chapter took a while, partially because I've been working on my second book and partially because I realized about halfway through that this one was going to be absolutely huge. I still remember the original What If Series, where everything ended up at roughly 10k words per chapter. Somehow, this one clocked in at around 20k. I hope that isn't a sign of things to come, lol.**


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